By Robert Hollander, JD, LCSW-C
Are you the "Coach" or the "Critic" when it comes to your child? – that is the question! The answer is fundamental to your relationship with your child, and to their healthy development, happiness and "sense of well being."
It is easy to spot the "Critic" if you look at the behaviors of "other" parents. Yet it is hard to spot in ourselves, or at least recognize it quickly enough to do something about its injurious and destructive ways! As human beings, we all have a "Critic" inside us, especially when we deal with ourselves. We can be negative, hurtful and insensitive, and it has the potential of being deadly to all relationships if taken "in large doses over time."
The trick is - can we spot the "Critic" as it arises within us, and as it develops strength and momentum. This "Critic" is like a psychological "insurgent," striking at any moment, doing its evil deeds, before blending back into the terrain, waiting for another strategic moment to strike without warning. It promotes an overall sense of uneasiness even when not attacking!
Now compare this with the parent as "Coach!"
A coach is a staunchly loyal supporter, ally and model. She is an educator and trusted guide, one who sees the child’s long term potential as very real and is very excited. She is one who carefully and tirelessly, over the long term, sets about "building up" not "tearing down." And because the parent is very conscious of the vital role the "Coach" plays in their child’s future, this noble endeavor is high on the parent’s list of "things to do."
We can also view the "coach" as a devoted "gardener," one dedicated to carefully preparing the soil for the planting of a seed, and one who provides the best environment for healthy growth. A "gardener" is meticulous about caring through the whole process of growth, taking into account all changing weather conditions. She is never under the illusion that she is in full control of growth, but rather is in awe of the invisible forces at work each day.
A child’s life from the beginning "is launched on a path of many windings, sometimes blocked and sometimes running straight again." A "Coach" senses the power of his child’s natural development and destiny and does his best to cooperate, coordinate and collaborate in his timely planting, nurturing and harvesting. As parents, we become a vital factor in the child’s thrust toward healthy growth. Though not in full control of the launch, we can have a profound effect upon the trajectory of flight!
So which is it? Are you more the "Coach" or the "Critic?"
Ask yourselves the following questions. It is a way to discover whether you are more the "Coach" or the "Critic!"
- Am I a "Fair-Weather Parent?" In other words, am I "parenting well" when times are good, and "parenting poorly" when times are bad?
- Am I a good listener? Do I first try to calmly listen to and try to understand what my child is saying to me before drawing conclusions? Do I possess "open-mindedness?"
- Am I keeping my "eyes on the prize" - on the main goals and objectives I have set for my child?
- Am I enhancing my child’s "long term" development, or just looking for "short term" compliance? Is my perspective on life and parenting generally "long term" as opposed to "short term?"
- Am I lending my child just enough to give my child the support and momentum needed and then letting go? Am I able to "stand on the sidelines" at crucial moments so that my child can experience and personally "own" life’s victories, cultivating belief in herself?
- Do my children’s behaviors trigger "old baggage" from my past, and do I overreact to them?
- When I find my "old baggage" hurting my relationship with my children, do I discipline myself and do the necessary work to protect them from my overreactions to them?
- Am I practicing "PT" (patience and tolerance) daily? Am I convinced that change takes hard work and is gradual for both the parent and the child?
- Can I forgive myself? Do I realize that before I can forgive my child for the mistake that she makes, I must first forgive myself?
- Is my life "self focused" or "child focused?" Am I uncomfortable with the balance I am striking?
- Am I "behavior" oriented or "process" oriented? In other words, am I merely expecting my child to achieve a specific goal or complete a task, or do I want to "journey" along with my child as she moves towards her goal? Am I helping her to learn about her experiences and feelings along the way? Am I looking to cultivate a "human doing" or a "human being?"
- Do I tolerantly guide my child back to a better path when they wander off?
- Do I apologize to my child when I am wrong? Do I model "ownership" of my mistakes and actions?
- Do I believe that beneath my child’s appearance of "resiliency," there is a vulnerable core - as sensitive as any other human being, young or old?
- Do I "stereotype" or "label" my child as having one or more negative characteristics, such as "lazy," "stupid," or "selfish," and do I only see my child from this narrow perspective? Am I unable to see other positive character traits? Do I believe that he is mainly these negative characteristics that will remain unchangeable? Have I become blind to who he "really" is?
- Do I feel and provide "unconditional love," or is my love "conditional?"
- Can I alter my parenting style depending upon my child’s needs and shifting circumstances? Can I be a motivator at times and at others, a confidante? Can I be boss sometimes and collaborator other times depending upon the demands of the situation?
- Am I "lazy" in my relationship with my child? Can I "walk the walk," after I "talk the talk?" Beyond believing and even fighting for my principals, am I able to live them?
- Do I think about the mistakes that I have made in my parenting and set my intention every night not to repeat them?
- Do I diligently practice my parenting skills daily, hourly and from "moment to moment?"
- Do I have the discipline to control my negative and destructive emotions when things are tough – a discipline I expect my children to have?
- Do I possess the faith and self-confidence to "keep on keepin’ on?"
- Do I believe that love is a "verb?" – that it is proactive?
- Do I look for the lesson in adversity – of finding some light in any darkness?
- Do I accept those things that I do not have the power to change?
- Do I view my child as one of my greatest teachers?
- Do I have the courage to reveal my real feelings to my child, such as fear and sadness, sending the message that they are OK to have and express?
- Is my communication with my partner good and is our parenting coordinated?
- Do I continually praise my child, expressing pride in her throughout the day? Do I invest in my child’s positive self image, highlighting the positive rather than the negative?
- Do I believe that the needs of my child are real? Do I believe that every child needs to be cared for, understood, and respected? Do I realize that every child needs to feel trusted, accepted and appreciated?
- Am I fully "there and present" when my child is in need of my strength, and am I compassionate?
- Can I tolerate my sense of powerless and frustration in the inability of my child to realize my idealized version of him - the "wished for child?"
- Do I grow in my "parenting awareness," and although never perfect, am I "perfecting" my style and sharpening my skills?
Answering these questions on a daily and "moment to moment" basis can be a valuable guide to great parenting and finding out if you are more the "Coach" or the "Critic." Being aware of the above questions is a loving task that we as parents need to engage in for as long as we remain "Mom" or "Dad!"
For more information on Parenting with Lori and Bob Hollander click on: Counseling