By Robert Hollander, JD, LCSW-C
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus*... What does that really mean? What is John Gray really saying here? Men and Women have debated over the years. As Lori and I have worked with his philosophy and this psychology over the years, we have discovered some very powerful truths about this approach to couples. They are:
(1) Just as men and women are different physically, as a group we are correspondingly distinctly different emotionally,
(2) Being aware of and accepting these differences, to whatever extent that they reveal themselves in your relationship, is vital to shaping the relationship that you and your partner want.
(3) Men and women can achieve the emotional and physical intimacy that all of us want and deserve.
Some people feel this is generalizing. Read on... This approach is not saying that all men "should be" or "are" one way and that all women "should be" or "are" another way. As a matter of fact, some couples find they are the opposite – the woman relates more to the Martian characteristics or the man relates more to the Venusian side. What this approach does do is identify groups of characteristics, as Martian or Venusian, which do apply to many people and gives us a language to talk about them. The goal is to understand and accept our differences more fully and learn to love our partner for who he/she is.
After working with the Mars – Venus approach for the last 14 years, we have found that if we are aware of the differences between the planets, and if we act according to the map laid out by this approach, relationships can and will be transformed.
The differences begin at the very core of the very nature of Martians and Venusians.
Venusians basically need the following from their Martian:
(1) Caring – to have the Martian make her special and begin to sacrifice more of his needs for her – to try as much as possible to put his interests second to hers. (Venusians – the natural nurturers – will almost always respond back in kind.)
(2) Understanding – to truly empathize as much as possible with her expressed and deeper feelings.
(3) Respect – to believe that her feelings are valid and "real," despite the Martian inability to truly understand them at times.
Martians basically need the following from their Venusian:
(1) Trust – to believe that your Martian will care for you, and has your best interests at heart, and to continue to believe despite mistakes and his peculiar learning curve.
(2) Acceptance – to take your Martian exactly as he is, without trying to change him, yet still clearly communicating your needs to him. (We have found that if Martians are accepted as they are, paradoxically, they change by themselves, as long as the other aspects of the Mars – Venus program are being incorporated into the relationship by both partners.)
(3) Appreciation – to acknowledge his caring for you, and what he does in, and for, the relationship.
We have found that when Martians concentrate on the specific Venusian needs, and when Venusians concentrate on the specific Martian needs, it seems to work out quite well. We are in some measure a blend of Martian and Venusian qualities on deeper levels. John Gray just provides a road map and a pretty concrete path toward finding happiness in your relationship.
The hopeful aspect of the Mars-Venus approach is that it is a practical approach, utilizing simple concepts that can be grasped in the heat of the moment, when passions are inflamed and when we vitally need structure and direction. Concepts such as "cave time" "Venusians being like waves, and Martians like rubber bands," "ducking, dodging and delivering," "resentment flu," and realizing that your partner is actually a creature from a different planet who thinks and acts differently from you, are all concepts that are critical for change in your relationship. When you understand them, when you have made a commitment to own them and use them in your everyday life and your everyday interactions with your partner, your payoff will be grand, and your dreams will come true! Change must and will happen, as both Martian and Venusian experience their needs being met on every level - physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual.
And you will ultimately find that what had started out as a philosophy and psychology of hope, has been transformed to a philosophy and psychology of success!
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*Although trained by John Gray, Ph.D. and the Mars-Venus Institute, The Hollanders have terminated their contractual relationship as Counselors with the Mars Venus Institute.