By Robert Hollander, JD, LCSW-C
As to conflict, it has been said that "what we need is not less conflict, but more conflict." This may seem rather a peculiar statement to make, but let’s examine this a bit more closely before we start jumping to conclusions. Case in point. Let us look back to the birth of our nation and the "Founding Fathers." In the very early beginnings of our republic, when Jefferson penned the Declaration of Independence, there was plenty of conflict! The "Founding Fathers" collaborated, but mostly collided with each other on a daily, if not a moment to moment, basis. And the result of such clash and discord? Nothing less than our Constitution that has served as a model for the rest of the all emerging democracies over centuries of time.
Now let’s take a major leap forward in time, and compare this example of "successful conflict," with another completely different situation. Let us turn now to the deposed dictator of Iraq, Saddam Hussein, and his last election to presidency of this country. Here, no conflict could be detected at all. Actually, all you have to do is look at the final tally of the voting, which would readily reveal that Mr. Hussein had won 100% of the total vote cast. Although he ran unopposed, still, everyone in the country voted, and everyone voted for him. Absolutely no conflict - and look at the finished product!
But really now, how can one say that we need "more" conflict. The historian William Luckas made the startling statement that "prejudice" was the necessary beginning of learning. What he went on to say afterwards was that it is not the "prejudices" at the outset that matter so much, but, more importantly, it is how we handled our prejudicial attitudes afterwards. If we can find the capacity within ourselves to be more open about our "pre-judgements," if we can become more aware and move beyond old repetitive thoughts and misperceptions, we can spring to a whole new reality containing numerous possibilities.
Conflict resolution draws upon this same understanding. Although we may find ourselves in a place of conflict with "preformed" judgments and expectations about our "adversary" and about the situation, it does not necessarily have to play out this way in a tired, repetitive fashion. If we allow our minds to open, if old and tired ideas, stereotypes and characterizations of our self-proclaimed "enemies" do not continue to imprison us, we can move to another place - a place of deeper understanding. There we will find a new chemistry and interaction and more honest, clear and robust communication.
To realize such a process, mediators, acting something like medieval alchemists, be it in the realm of divorce, family or business matters, will aid conflicting parties in keeping a tight reign upon the "emotional mind," which tends to stop or at least limit creative thought. Instead, the mediator will encourage and guide people to access their "rational mind" – that part of the psyche that possesses the distinct capacity to locate mutual interests and creative paths which shall move them toward first recognizing, and then satisfying shared interests and goals.
It demands a person who is not only familiar with the facts, but maybe more importantly, one who is familiar with the underlying feelings that will lead people toward honest collaboration. With a clear command of both of these realms, the facts and feelings that exist between "adversaries," a mediator can help guide those in conflict toward the development of new options and ultimate collaboration and agreement.
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