By Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD
1. Set the Stage
Beware of the myths:
Myth: If he really loves me he will remember – A lot of women wait and hold their breath and then are disappointed.
Men (and women) are on a continuum of awareness, even when they have every intention of pleasing their partner! Some people have partners who are always thinking of them, are very attentive to details, are aware of what they like and want, and consistently deliver based upon this (Mr. Wonderful).
Others have partners who love them just as deeply but are just less aware of or attentive to the details and may not truly understand how important those details are to his wife/girlfriend. The intention is there but the awareness and follow through may not be as consistent. This does not mean they love their partner any less.
It is important to think about: Where is my partner on that continuum and to adjust your actions based upon it. (More about the actions below.) This creates a sense of taking responsibility for your own happiness.
Myth: If I need to remind him, it doesn’t mean as much; it diminishes the value of the gift.
This is a belief that we see a lot of the time with women, because women are by nature very thoughtful⁄sensitive and we expect our partners to be the same way, so when they are not as thoughtful⁄sensitive as we are, the conclusion is: He doesn’t care. Bob and I believe it is about the effort a partner makes, not the mind-reading.
For example, we see a couple for couples coaching. The woman complains her husband is not as affectionate as she would like. He goes home and gives her more affection, but it seems a little awkward because he is doing it consciously, it isn’t his nature. When they return for the next session and we ask how it went, the wife says that he tried to be more affectionate, but she knew he was only doing it because Bob told him to and it didn’t feel like he really wanted to. This is a clear ex. of asking for a gift and then diminishing its value because she asked for it. What I helped this woman see is that, of course he is changing his behavior because Bob coached him and of course it is different because he is not by nature that affectionate and of course, it feels awkward since there is more closeness than in the past. I explain that she is missing that he is making a tremendous effort to grow, to learn, to change what comes naturally because he loves her and it is his effort to "love her the way she needs to be loved" that she is forgetting. If she focuses on appreciating his efforts and then it continues, it will become more natural.
Myth: If he really loves me he will know what I want.
Again, we look at the continuum of sensitivity and awareness. If you have a partner who is very aware, count your blessings. If you don’t, let him know. Bob and I and our kids joke that it took him about 10 Valentines Days to remember what kind of chocolate creams I like.
2. Light the Fire
Communicate with your partner ahead of time about Valentines Day! If you and your partner are really aware of how you each like to receive love and both like to be surprised, that’s great! Focus on figuring out what you are going to do for him.
If your partner is less aware, or if you don’t really know what he would like for Valentines Day, or if you don’t like surprises, talk about it! It doesn’t have to be boring, like… "Honey, I have something we need to discuss". These are the words that many men don’t want to hear!! It can be part of the build up to a romantic Valentines Day, like foreplay…
- Leave him a note…with your Valentines Day fantasy date and ask him to write you back what his would be.
- Tell him you want Valentines Day this year to be special and suggest you plan it together.
- Create a romantic mood with a candlelight dinner, a walk together, a bubble bath and then share ideas about what would make for a fabulous Valentines Day.
- Compliment him about how he made you feel special the last time he did something romantic and paint the picture in his mind about how great Valentines Day will be if he does something like that again.
- Talk about it after some intimate time together, when you are feeling close, so you have his full attention (but before he falls asleep.)
3. Fan the Flame
Keep the passion alive after Valentines Day!
It is the little things on a day to day basis that creates the emotional connection between partners. In this busy life, we often take each other for granted or forget to take the time, even just a minute, to connect with our partner.
- Talk with your partner about the day to day little things that make them feel loved and do these things.
- Create loving habits, like: We never leave without saying I love you, Bob leaves me a coke and a love note in our Westminster office every Tuesday. We carved out Fridays every week for lunch.
- Create loving rituals – on holidays, we gather all our family pictures and put them on the family room table, we all put our gifts out and we open them one at a time. We stopped buying cards and went to making our own. The kids have become more verbal about expressing their love and creativity. Sometimes they have made us powerpoint slide shows. It is much more fun and meaningful.
4. Romantic Ideas Below
Romantic Ideas for Valentines Day and Beyond...
Plan a romantic weekend or overnight getaway.
BedandBreakfast.com is one of our favorite websites. You can go on-line and see what’s available, see pictures of the rooms and pick which one you want. Don’t forget to call the B & B ahead and let them suggest restaurants for a romantic dinner. They will make the reservation for you.
Take the day off with your partner and go on a day trip.
Plan things your partner would enjoy and make dinner reservations ahead! Think about what your partner likes as you plan this day and surprise them with your thoughtfulness.
Create a romantic dinner.
Make (or buy) her favorite dinner, put on romantic music, set the table with candles and roses and ask her to dance.
Help her relax.
Draw a warm bubble bath for her before she gets home. Leave a trail of rose petals from the front door up to the bathroom. Have flowers, soft music and a beautiful card waiting for her on the tub. How about a massage after the bath?
Do breakfast in bed.
Make breakfast in bed for two with heart shaped pancakes or cut out a heart shape in his toast and fill it with strawberry jam.
Write her a poem or a song.
Get your creative juices flowing and read or sing it to her. Then give her the words and a picture of the two of you in a frame.
Surprise him.
Go to his workplace before he leaves and put chocolate kisses in his car with a card so he thinks about all the way home.
Create loving coupons for your partner.
Make coupons for him for his favorite things... (chore free weekend, a gift certificate for him to take you to Victoria’s Secret).
Give gifts of loving sentiments.
Leave little sticky notes with reasons you love her everywhere she will see them (the bathroom mirror, inside the kitchen cabinets, on the refrigerator, in her car…).
Make a gift instead of buying it – for the entire family.
We started making our own cards. Taking the time to reflect on what we love and appreciate about each other is very uplifting and fills our hearts with positive energy. We each take turns reading our cards out loud in front of the family and exchange small gifts so that the focus is on expressing our love not on gifts. Our kids have become very creative and sometimes make PowerPoint slide shows for us instead of cards.
To help you learn these skills Lori and Bob Hollander offer: Couple to Couple® Coaching, Tele-Classes