By Lori and Bob Hollander
I remember as a little girl dreaming about my wedding day…Walking down the aisle, the envy of every woman in the room, looking more radiant than I ever could have imagined; my wedding train following behind me. All eyes were on me as my dad kissed me and gave my hand to my handsome husband-to-be. After the vows my, now, “husband” gave me a luscious kiss and we practically skipped back down the aisle to the applause of all our family and friends. The reception went off without a hitch, more perfect than I could have ever imagined. Then, we lived happily ever after….
Sounds nice, huh? It would be nice, if it were true. The truth is planning for our wedding was one of the most stressful periods of my life – family issues, the lead singer of the band we hired quit just before our wedding, my best and oldest friend was 8 1/2 months pregnant and couldn’t attend, more family issues. You get the picture. OK, so now the wedding is over. I must say it was magnificent, though not by any means perfect.
The honeymoon was fabulous except for that big fight we had about Bob wanting to relax, and me, wanting to see everything there was in Hawaii since I knew we might never get back there again. Bob was thinking, “At last, ‘I’ can relax. We can give up on the schedule and let down. Finally a break after all the preparation, being dragged around listening to bands, tasting hors d’oeuvres, talking to wedding planners, making decisions, dealing with family, seating arrangements.”
When he announced his intention to sit on the beach, I began to panic and with fear in my voice said, “We could sit on the beach in New Jersey. We didn’t travel six thousand miles to lie on a beach. We have to plan what to do, so we don’t miss anything. Chances are we may never get back here again or at least not till our 20th anniversary.” Then I thought, “OMG, I am married to this man – forever.” My heart pounded faster. Bob thought, “Mm, I think there is a problem here. We are out of sync, out of rhythm. I thought she would settle down after the wedding and that her driving momentum would calm down to a ‘normal’ pace – my normal pace that is. Now wait a minute, could it be, is it really true? Has the woman I once thought of as my own private Playboy Bunny really just been an Energizer Bunny all along…with the drum and all that! What have I done! My wedding band, hm, it is feeling a little tighter around my finger right now; hold on, I think I’m having an asthma attack, and I don’t even have asthma!”
Well, here we are, 21 years and 2 children later. Bob is psychologically still on the beach waiting for me to settle down. And, after 20 years of working and raising our two amazing kids, my batteries are still fully charged. AND we have learned to effectively communicate about our differences, embrace them, even laugh at them, and use them to the benefit of our relationship instead of arguing about which one of us is living life the “right” way.
Professionally, we have been in practice together as marriage and relationship counselors for 20 years. Imagine that! So we have a wealth of experience from our own marriage as well as our experience working with thousands of couples over the years.
Right from the beginning we discovered that relationships are really tough and that it takes as much work to have a successful marriage as to create a successful career, maybe even more. We also noticed that the couples we were seeing displayed difficulties very similar to the ones we had in our own marriage.
Another observation that was striking was that most of the couples who came for marriage counseling had been in trouble for quite a long time before they sought help. I guess they forgot to read their “Marriage Manual” after the honeymoon. What we found in the research on marriage is that couples wait an average of 6 years after problems begin to seek help! And, of course by then a lot of damage has already been done to the relationship. The problems are compounded by the couple having formed poor communication habits and unhealthy styles of managing conflict.
Research also shows that the number one difficulty leading to the breakdown of a marriage is the “inability to resolve conflict,” meaning couples either fight about issues and move on, or avoid difficult issues. And you won’t be surprised about this – the number one conflict is money; sex is number two.
So if we could gather all the couples in the world who just got married, we would teach them how to talk and listen effectively, how to embrace and resolve conflict and that realistically a successful marriage takes the greatest of efforts. Devoting your selves to learning healthy communication skills, and not waiting too long to get coaching or counseling if you can’t work it out, are the seeds of a relationship that will grow to bring you joy, love and connection that will last a lifetime.
To help you learn these skills Lori and Bob Hollander offer: Couple to Couple® Coaching, Tele-Classes