By Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD
Getting married is one of the biggest investments you will ever make! You and your partner invest your emotions, your finances, your dreams and your souls. The bad news is that the chances of this huge investment succeeding are still only 50%. Is there any other investment you would make with only a 50% success rate?
The good news is that if you take the time and energy to understand your investment and learn the skills to manage it, your rate of return and your chance of success substantially increase!
So...Before the wedding, make sure you and your partner discuss the following:
1) What is your vision of your lives together in 5 years? 20 years? 50 years?
2) What are your expectations of the other’s career?
3) Do you want kids? How many? Will both of you work after children?
How will you discipline your kids?
4) How much time will you spend together, alone, with others (family, friends)?
5) How will you interact with each other’s families? How will you handle holidays?
6) What is your philosophy about spending vs. saving? How do you feel about debt?
Do you have any current debt? Separate vs. Joint Banking.
7) How will you deal with conflict?
8) What are your expectations about Sex? Affection? Intimacy?
9) What are your expectations for you and your children regarding religious beliefs and practices?
10) How will you communicate in difficult times?
Whatever differences you discover in these areas is less important than how well you work with each other to understand and accept the differences, and act as a team to manage them.
Every marriage has its "chronic issues" – She’s neat, He’s messy; She’s too easy on the kids, He’s too hard on the kids; She spends, He saves; She spends too much time talking to her mother, He never talks to her mother.
What the research tells us, and what we have observed in practice is that if you stop talking about these issues, resentments will build and the relationship will shut down. However, if you continue to communicate in productive ways about these issues, even if they are never totally resolved, you will succeed!!
To help you learn these skills Lori and Bob Hollander offer: Couple to Couple® Coaching, Tele-Classes