“One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you
fall out of love with each other, it keeps you together until
maybe you fall in love again.”
~ Judith Viorst

Persistence can often be the “make it or break it” factor in a relationship’s survival.

When we see couples who feel there is nothing more they can do to make their relationship work, we offer them hope. With the help of counseling, couples whose relationships have had a “near-death” experience, can survive and thrive. It takes the willingness to engage in the process of finding and addressing the roadblocks in the relationship; and, the courage to consciously do the difficult work that will allow you to fall in love with your partner again.

Barb and Donald came in after Barb’s mom passed away. For the last three years Barb had been the primary caretaker for her elderly mother who suffered with dementia. Donald felt Barb had little time or energy left for him and that their relationship had taken a back seat. They rarely went out and their sex life had become nearly non-existent. Donald admired Barb’s devotion to her mom but said he had lost his feelings of love and attraction for Barb.

In Couple to Couple® Coaching, we worked with Barb and Donald to emotionally connect on a deeper level than they had in the last three years. Donald acknowledged he had withheld his feelings and needs from his wife since he hadn’t wanted to add to her burden. He didn’t realize his feelings of isolation and rejection had created an underlying resentment that got in the way of his connection with Barb.

Without taking it personally, Barb was able to understand Donald’s resentment and feelings he had “lost” her. We encouraged this couple to continue having these deeper conversations through the weeks. And we suggested Donald start courting Barb again. He arranged several dates and eventually a romantic weekend away. This couple revived their relationship and went on to have a closer bond than ever before.

Identifying and addressing the underlying reasons Donald had lost his feelings for Barb, removed the roadblock of resentment that had been created. They persisted in doing the work of consciously communicating, setting up dates and doing small acts of love, which nurtured their feelings for each other. Donald fell in love with Barb all over again.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about falling in love with your partner again on our Facebook page.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

“The fundamental glue that holds any
relationship together is trust.” ~ Brian Tracy

Trust is essential for a relationship to thrive. It’s the foundation upon which a strong partnership rests. When you fall in love, you hand over your heart to your partner and count on him taking good care of it. You risk depending on the other. Only when you feel safe with your partner can you relax and be vulnerable. With trust comes the sharing of deep emotion; with trust comes intimacy in head, heart and hormones.

Building belief in your partner happens over time when the relationship is tested. You learn whether you can count on your partner. Is he there when you are down? Does she put you first? Are you sensitive to each other’s feelings? Are you honest in the most difficult of times?

Trust is one of the hardest bonds to build in a relationship and probably the easiest to destroy. It only takes one lie, one flirty text, one kiss or one step outside the relationship to create doubt that may last forever. We see this in our practice often.

Here are the 7 ways we see couples successfully build trust:

1. Do what you say. Keep your promises and commitments consistently.
2. Tell the truth to your partner or others. Even white lies in your relationship can do harm.
3. Communicate about problems; don’t avoid them. Be sensitive to and validate each other’s feelings even when you don’t agree. Problem solve instead of making each other wrong.
4. Say things in a way you won’t ever regret. Be respectful. If arguments become heated, stop talking and come back to it later. Acknowledge your differences.
5. Share the workload. Divide household responsibilities so both of you feel you have a fair share.
6. Support each other’s individuality. Give each other space and support for achieving personal goals and having individual friends and activities.
7. Make your partner the top priority so she knows she can count on you. In the end, people don’t wish they had been more devoted to their work; often, people wish they had been more devoted to their family.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about what builds trust on our Facebook page.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Have you downloaded our FREE eWorkbook, How Close Are You to Extraordinary?

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships.

What do you think makes a marriage happy?

The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, in their most recent study of The State of Our Unions, found the following five factors are predictive of being “very happy” in marriages with children.

1) Sexual satisfaction with your partner
The first thing to go once couples have children is sex. Pregnancy, morning sickness, hormones and delivering a baby put a significant dent in anyone’s sex life. Then there’s the exhaustion, the sleepless nights, the lack of time, and the stress of being first time parents. It’s vital after a couple has kids to get back to a regular sex life. One other interesting finding was that women reported more sexual satisfaction when their husbands shared the housework. Listen up, men!

2) Commitment to the marriage
In our practice, we often find a significant difference in the strength of commitment two partners have to the marriage. The couples who are very happy are the ones where both partners will do “whatever it takes” to communicate, resolve conflict and work as a team. It pays to make your relationship your top priority.

3) Generosity with your spouse
When spouses are sensitive to their partners needs and desires they are more giving and more connected to each other and their relationship. Generosity was defined as giving compliments, acts of service, affection and forgiveness. These couples are more relationship-focused than individual-focused. A spirit of giving and gratitude builds a positive and loving bond.

4) Positive attitude toward raising children
Parents who spent lots of time with their kids and also spent time alone together were the most happy. These couples were more engaged with their family and their partners. Date nights really do matter.

5) Marital spirituality
Couples with a sense of faith who attended religious services regularly felt a great sense of life purpose. Connection with a religious community and the social support of friends were also elements of very happy couples. Shared spirituality is yet another bond that brings couples together.

How do you and your partner rate on these factors?

Sharing this article with your spouse would be a great way to start a discussion about making your relationship the best it can be.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about what makes relationships happy on our Facebook page.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Here’s something you might be interested in…Our FREE eWorkbook, How Connected IS Your Communication?

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships.

“For me, the highest level of sexual excitement is in a monogamous relationship.” ~ Warren Beatty

On our wedding day couples vow their relationship will be monogamous. And yet, studies show 40% of women and 60% of men break that promise. Though we are not living up to the ideal of monogamy, we continue to hold it as an important value and judge others harshly when we hear someone cheated; be it an actor, a politician, a relative or your next door neighbor.

Where is the “disconnect”? Are we not meant to be monogamous? Are we trying to live up to an unreachable goal? Or are we just not taught how to keep the emotional and erotic connection going in a long term relationship? We believe it’s the latter.

Day after day we see couples who have allowed their connection to wane, often without recognizing the insidious signs that their emotional and erotic bond is slipping away. Sometimes it is after children are born and one or both partners become child focused. Or people allow boredom to set in to their partnership; the exhilaration of someone new leads one to think there is something wrong with his/her marriage. Another reason is that conflict goes unspoken or unresolved and creates a thick wall of distance, resentment and fear between partners that is difficult to break through.

To achieve monogamy for a lifetime, these are three action steps all couples should take:

1. Attend to your relationship emotionally and erotically, especially after you have children.
2. Take responsibility for consistently and consciously stimulating and refreshing your relationship and connection.
3. Learn how to communicate and work through conflict as a team.

We believe these are the vital keys to maintaining monogamy and creating deep intimacy in your relationship. And it is a deep connection that will sustain a relationship for a lifetime.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about monogamy on our Facebook page.

To Your Relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

“Marriage is one long conversation checkered with disputes.”
~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Why is communication, the lifeblood of relationships, so difficult?

A big part of the answer is we interpret messages through filters such as our gender, life experience, beliefs, mood, values, knowledge and culture. We make assumptions about what our partner is saying as their words are sifted through our mind. Our ability to listen, be empathic and have insight also impacts how well we communicate. To deeply communicate and understand each other, a couple has to undergo a process of clarifying their messages, again and again.

What we notice in our practice is that when couples get frustrated they either give up and sweep the issue under the rug or escalate and move into anger and blame. Neither of these responses leads to positive resolution. Healthy communication, especially around a conflict or a sensitive issue, takes patience and perseverance. We recommend couples make a commitment to keep the conversation going until each partner feels heard and understood, even if you don’t agree. Otherwise, the lingering feelings that are unspoken or not validated can lead to resentment and distance.

When communication is difficult we suggest couples intentionally slow down the conversation and focus on one person at a time. When the first partner speaks about his/her authentic feelings, the other partner should not respond until he/she understands the first partner’s point of view so well they can “make the other’s case.” Then they switch and the second partner shares his/her thoughts and feelings until they are truly clear. When both people understand, empathize and validate each other’s point of view, then and only then are you effectively communicating.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas on how to keep the conversation going on our Facebook page.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Here’s something you might be interested in…Our FREE eWorkbook, How Close Are You to Extraordinary?

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships.

“The art of love… is largely the art of persistence.” ~ Albert Ellis

On Valentine’s Day we celebrate our love and our relationships. We plan romantic dates, exchange thoughtful gifts, and write cards expressing sentiments of affection.

We are reminded that acts of love are what create the feelings of love. To keep love alive for a lifetime, we believe couples should consciously do small acts of love every day by creating love habits: loving behaviors that become habitual. Establishing the habit of acting in loving ways will reinforce feelings of caring and connection, and nurture the relationship.

Here are some examples of love habits:

• Greet each other after work with a kiss on the lips and a long hug;
• Say “I love you” every day;
• Share your day when you get home’
• Commit to having lunch together once a week;
• Establish a regular weekly date night;
• Leave notes for each other;
• Hold hands;
• Go to bed together at night;
• Give appreciation daily;
• Plan regular sex dates.

It is the little things we do every day that will prevent love from fading. Use this Valentine’s Day as a reminder to create your own love habits so you keep the passion alive in your partnership.

When you show love, you will feel your love.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about love habits on our Facebook page.

To Your Relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749-1832

Will marriage become a thing of the past?

Some frightening statistics were recently reported by the Pew Research Center. They found the rate of marriage in the United States is at an all-time low; only 50% of all adults (ages 18+) are currently married, compared to 72% in 1960.

Though 40% of people believe marriage is becoming obsolete, 61% of those “never married” want to get married someday.

Better news was reported by the National Marriage Project, a nonpartisan, nonsectarian, and interdisciplinary initiative at the University of Virginia, founded to do research on the state of marriage. Their recent study shows greater than 75% of people in the US still believe marriage is “important.” In addition, they found 70% of adults under age 30 want to marry someday.

So what does this mean for the future of marriage?

From a historical perspective these statistics sense. In the 1950s and 1960s marriage was necessary for economic and social purposes. There were few choices for women in the workplace and men did not stay home to raise kids. Couples were committed to staying married. The foundation upon which marriages are built today is quite different than our parents’.

Today, women and men have the opportunity to lead individually fulfilling lives, have careers and live singly, with or without children. Socially, an unmarried or divorced person is not judged to be deviant as they would have been years ago.

Despite this, we do believe that marriage will continue. Most people we see are looking for a person with whom they can connect, emotionally and sexually; a companion they can spend the rest of their lives with. Most people who want children do not want to raise them alone.

The problem is we marry for one reason only: feelings of love; feelings so powerful we believe they will hold us together forever. The truth is, love is the weakest link in a relationship. Without understanding the commitment to “marriage,” and without compatible qualities in partners, love is the worst reason in the world to marry. Feelings will fade without the proper care and feeding.

Individuals and couples, more than ever, need to learn how to create a thriving and lasting marriage. More than any prior generation, we must acquire the skills that lead to successful and enduring partnerships and have more conscious conversations than ever before.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.
~ Martin Luther, 1483-1546

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about the future of marriage on our Facebook page.

To Your Relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

“When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

Ask any bride and groom on their wedding day, “Will your marriage last a lifetime?” and you’ll likely hear, “Of course!” accompanied by the look you might receive if you had three heads. And that is truly what every bride and groom believes. But as we know all too well, half of them will be wrong.

There are three truths about marriage we wish every couple knew before they vowed, “Till death do us part.”

TRUTH #1 – When we make the most important decision of our life – to marry – many of us have no idea what we are getting into.

When I think back to the beginning of our relationship, I clearly remember spending lots of time effortlessly connecting, having fun, enjoying each other’s company, and wondering when Bob was going to propose. I went ring shopping with my best friend so she could give Bob a hint about what kind of engagement ring I wanted. After all, there was only one shot at making this big decision about the ring I would wear forever. After he finally proposed, the next six months were spent intensely planning our wedding. Bob loves to tell people I took him to see nine wedding reception halls in one day. He should have known what he was getting into right then. We, mostly I, spent hours making sure all the details were planned down to the matches which were engraved with “Perfect Match.”

We agreed we wanted to have two or three kids but that was about the end of discussion regarding what our life would be like together, forever. We didn’t talk about decision making or how we would deal with our differences; we didn’t talk about our money values or managing conflict or what kind of life we wanted in the future; we didn’t talk about sex or monogamy. Like most couples, we believed love would carry us through and it would just all work out. Lucky for us it did. We have benefited from working with other couples and seeing the way difficulties arise; I often wonder what would have happened and how successful our marriage would have been had we not been in this business.

We think it is vital for couples starting out, young or old, to consciously spend more time talking about their relationship – their future, their values, and their differences – than about the wedding plans. We believe in couples seeking out pre-marital coaching and counseling to learn the skills needed for a successful marriage and to deal with difficulties up front.

TRUTH #2 – It’s “normal” to wonder at different points in your marriage if you married the “right” person.

On our honeymoon in Hawaii – the one and only time we would ever get to this paradise – I remember wanting to see and do everything. Bob wanted to lay on the beach and relax. I told him I didn’t come over 3,000 miles to lounge on the beach and fall asleep; we might as well have gone to Ocean City. It turned into a fight. I remember panicking and thinking, OMG! I am married to this person…forever, and wondering, “Did I marry the right person?” Obviously we worked it out, but I will never forget my feelings of panic.

We often have clients coming to us for counseling who wonder the same thing, “Did I marry the right person?” And our response is usually, “You married a real person and your job is to work to make each other the right person,” by listening and understanding each other’s point of view, and working as a team to solve problems and resolve differences.

TRUTH #3 – Most people have unrealistic expectations of what defines a “normal” marriage.

For better or worse, the most significant role model we have for a “normal” marriage is our parents. If you were lucky enough to have parents with a healthy long-term marriage you may be in good shape; but, for many of us, that was not the case.

These are a list of the most frequent complaints we get from couples:
• We can’t communicate.
• He doesn’t listen.
• She is too emotional.
• He wants to save every penny and not enjoy life.
• She overspends.
• She never wants sex.
• He wants to have sex all the time.
• Can’t he give me a hug without grabbing my…
• I’m not sure I’m “in love” with him/her anymore.
• The passion is gone.
• We shouldn’t have to work this hard.
• If I really loved him, the feelings would just be there.
• It hasn’t been the same since the kids were born.
• We have become roommates.
• We do well with raising the kids but there is no romance between us.
• We haven’t had sex in months or years.

All of these complaints are “normal.” What we help people understand is that marriage takes work just like any other job.

It’s easy to love your partner when things are great. The true test of a marriage is when things are not going so well; when you have to sacrifice for your partner; when you have to come together as a team to face differences and difficulties.

We hope knowing these three truths reassures you that you are not alone in dealing with the challenges faced by most couples. The key is to know whatever your fears, your doubts and your unmet expectations are, if you face them together, learn to communicate authentically and effectively, and problem solve as a team, you can co-create the relationship you want and deserve. And your relationship can be one that lasts a lifetime. We are here to show you how.

To your relationship,
Lori and Bob Hollander

P.S. A great first step is our FREE eWorkbook, How Close Are You to Extraordinary?

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

What does happen to “the love” over time in committed relationships?

We are often confronted with this question when couples come to us for help with their partnerships. I started to think – just what is this mysterious thing we call love? The dictionary defines it as “a passionate feeling or romantic desire and sexual attraction; or an intense feeling of tender affection and compassion.” Love is a feeling, a perceived physical or emotional sensation. You can’t touch it or see it; you perceive it.

And yet, many of us believe the powerful and potent feeling of love in the beginning of a relationship will last forever; that the intensity and passion which existed when we “fell in love” will continue if we are truly with the right partner; and that if this feeling changes then we must be with the wrong person.

The truth is, maintaining the feeling of love in a long-term relationship does not just happen. It takes two people nurturing that feeling and understanding, over time, love changes form from “falling in love” to “growing in love.” The effortless passion, intensity and excitement that take root in the beginning must be cultivated by actively loving your partner emotionally and sexually, especially during the difficult times when the feeling of love is perceived to be gone.

When couples come to therapy because one or both have “lost that lovin’ feeling” they are doubtful their love connection can be revived. We’re here to tell you that we have seen love reawakened many times. Here’s the catch: Couples believe the feeling of love is passive and they wait to magically fall in love again. When we help them understand love is the result of acting in loving ways, they begin to see that they have the power to create the feeling of love.

We recommend couples set their intention to grow in love. When you act lovingly, when you give love, when you open your heart and listen to your partner with empathy and compassion, when you remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, when you examine the roots that have grown together as you have shared your life’s journey, the perceived sensations of love will follow.

Here are some things we have learned to strive for over the years to continue to grow in love:

• Share what happens in our workday when we get home.
• Communicate daily about anything that annoys, irritates, angers or bothers us about the other, in a kind way; and then humbly apologize and forgive.
• Do small acts of love for each other.
• Ask for what we need without assuming the other can mind-read.
• Give and receive lots of hugs.
• Thank each other for things that “we should be doing” anyway.
• Get involved with activities as a team that we are both passionate about.
• Remind ourselves and each other about all we are grateful for.
• Make ourselves responsible for continuing to grow in love.

Couples who consciously do acts of love such as these and nourish the perceived sensations of love will create love for a lifetime.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about growing in love on our Facebook page.

To Your Relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

How is sex in your relationship?

It’s estimated that one in five couples live in a “sexless” marriage, defined by experts as having sex fewer than 10 times a year. One third of couples have mismatched desire. Studies also show that only 40% of married couples are very satisfied with their sex lives.

We can tell you from listening to many couples that sex is a major area of contention in marriages. We most often hear, “I have nothing more to give at the end of the day.” “I’m too tired.” “I don’t want anyone else touching me.” “Every time I initiate sex I get turned down so I stopped asking.” “I feel I no longer turn her on, and it’s killing me.” Partners worry: “If she is not making love with me, maybe she’s having an affair.”

Here’s what happens to romance for many couples: Passion abounds in the beginning while young couples are starting out and working on their careers. Then kids come along. Now we all love our kids but we can tell you they put a huge damper on our sex lives. There is so much to do and so little time, that sex goes to the bottom of the to-do list and stays there. The result is either both partners succumb to this and become roommates or they chronically argue and resentment builds up. Without the conscious effort of both people feeding the sexual fire the erotic flame will burn out.

Here are some tips to keep sex and romance alive:

1) Be the one to initiate if you are usually the one who waits to be asked – your partner will appreciate it.

2) Do something different – we all get into routines in bed; spice it up with a new sexy outfit, a different room in the house, a new toy.

3) Create private time – no excuses! Send the kids over to the grandparents or to their friends or go away for one night or a week.

Though it is a challenge, no doubt, to make erotic love a priority, it is vital to the Head, Heart and Hormones balance essential to a lifetime of love and lust.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about sex after marriage on our Facebook page.

To Your Relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

P.S. Don’t miss our FREE 20-page eWorkbook, “How Close Are You to Extraordinary? Find Your Personal Starting Point on the Journey to a Lifetime of Love.”

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.