Will marriage become a thing of the past?

Some frightening statistics were recently reported by the Pew Research Center. They found the rate of marriage in the United States is at an all-time low; only 50% of all adults (ages 18+) are currently married, compared to 72% in 1960.

Though 40% of people believe marriage is becoming obsolete, 61% of those “never married” want to get married someday.

Better news was reported by the National Marriage Project, a nonpartisan, nonsectarian, and interdisciplinary initiative at the University of Virginia, founded to do research on the state of marriage. Their recent study shows greater than 75% of people in the US still believe marriage is “important.” In addition, they found 70% of adults under age 30 want to marry someday.

So what does this mean for the future of marriage?

From a historical perspective these statistics sense. In the 1950s and 1960s marriage was necessary for economic and social purposes. There were few choices for women in the workplace and men did not stay home to raise kids. Couples were committed to staying married. The foundation upon which marriages are built today is quite different than our parents’.

Today, women and men have the opportunity to lead individually fulfilling lives, have careers and live singly, with or without children. Socially, an unmarried or divorced person is not judged to be deviant as they would have been years ago.

Despite this, we do believe that marriage will continue. Most people we see are looking for a person with whom they can connect, emotionally and sexually; a companion they can spend the rest of their lives with. Most people who want children do not want to raise them alone.

The problem is we marry for one reason only: feelings of love; feelings so powerful we believe they will hold us together forever. The truth is, love is the weakest link in a relationship. Without understanding the commitment to “marriage,” and without compatible qualities in partners, love is the worst reason in the world to marry. Feelings will fade without the proper care and feeding.

Individuals and couples, more than ever, need to learn how to create a thriving and lasting marriage. More than any prior generation, we must acquire the skills that lead to successful and enduring partnerships and have more conscious conversations than ever before.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.
~ Martin Luther, 1483-1546

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about the future of marriage on our Facebook page.

To Your Relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

Ask any bride and groom on their wedding day, “Will your marriage last a lifetime?” and you’ll likely hear, “Of course!” accompanied by the look you might receive if you had three heads. And that is truly what every bride and groom believes. But as we know all too well, half of them will be wrong.

There are three truths about marriage we wish every couple knew before they vowed, “Till death do us part.”

TRUTH #1 – When we make the most important decision of our life – to marry – many of us have no idea what we are getting into.

When I think back to the beginning of our relationship, I clearly remember spending lots of time effortlessly connecting, having fun, enjoying each other’s company, and wondering when Bob was going to propose. I went ring shopping with my best friend so she could give Bob a hint about what kind of engagement ring I wanted. After all, there was only one shot at making this big decision about the ring I would wear forever. After he finally proposed, the next six months were spent intensely planning our wedding. Bob loves to tell people I took him to see nine wedding reception halls in one day. He should have known what he was getting into right then. We, mostly I, spent hours making sure all the details were planned down to the matches which were engraved with “Perfect Match.”

We agreed we wanted to have two or three kids but that was about the end of discussion regarding what our life would be like together, forever. We didn’t talk about decision making or how we would deal with our differences; we didn’t talk about our money values or managing conflict or what kind of life we wanted in the future; we didn’t talk about sex or monogamy. Like most couples, we believed love would carry us through and it would just all work out. Lucky for us it did. We have benefited from working with other couples and seeing the way difficulties arise; I often wonder what would have happened and how successful our marriage would have been had we not been in this business.

We think it is vital for couples starting out, young or old, to consciously spend more time talking about their relationship – their future, their values, and their differences – than about the wedding plans. We believe in couples seeking out pre-marital coaching and counseling to learn the skills needed for a successful marriage and to deal with difficulties up front.

TRUTH #2 – It’s “normal” to wonder at different points in your marriage if you married the “right” person.

On our honeymoon in Hawaii – the one and only time we would ever get to this paradise – I remember wanting to see and do everything. Bob wanted to lay on the beach and relax. I told him I didn’t come over 3,000 miles to lounge on the beach and fall asleep; we might as well have gone to Ocean City. It turned into a fight. I remember panicking and thinking, OMG! I am married to this person…forever, and wondering, “Did I marry the right person?” Obviously we worked it out, but I will never forget my feelings of panic.

We often have clients coming to us for counseling who wonder the same thing, “Did I marry the right person?” And our response is usually, “You married a real person and your job is to work to make each other the right person,” by listening and understanding each other’s point of view, and working as a team to solve problems and resolve differences.

TRUTH #3 – Most people have unrealistic expectations of what defines a “normal” marriage.

For better or worse, the most significant role model we have for a “normal” marriage is our parents. If you were lucky enough to have parents with a healthy long-term marriage you may be in good shape; but, for many of us, that was not the case.

These are a list of the most frequent complaints we get from couples:
• We can’t communicate.
• He doesn’t listen.
• She is too emotional.
• He wants to save every penny and not enjoy life.
• She overspends.
• She never wants sex.
• He wants to have sex all the time.
• Can’t he give me a hug without grabbing my…
• I’m not sure I’m “in love” with him/her anymore.
• The passion is gone.
• We shouldn’t have to work this hard.
• If I really loved him, the feelings would just be there.
• It hasn’t been the same since the kids were born.
• We have become roommates.
• We do well with raising the kids but there is no romance between us.
• We haven’t had sex in months or years.

All of these complaints are “normal.” What we help people understand is that marriage takes work just like any other job.

It’s easy to love your partner when things are great. The true test of a marriage is when things are not going so well; when you have to sacrifice for your partner; when you have to come together as a team to face differences and difficulties.

We hope knowing these three truths reassures you that you are not alone in dealing with the challenges faced by most couples. The key is to know whatever your fears, your doubts and your unmet expectations are, if you face them together, learn to communicate authentically and effectively, and problem solve as a team, you can co-create the relationship you want and deserve. And your relationship can be one that lasts a lifetime. We are here to show you how.

To your relationship,
Lori and Bob Hollander

P.S. A great first step is our FREE eWorkbook, How Close Are You to Extraordinary?

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

“Where is the love
You said was mine all mine
Till the end of time
Was it just a lie
Where is the love”

What does happen to “the love” over time in committed relationships?

We are often confronted with this question when couples come to us for help with their partnerships. I started to think – just what is this mysterious thing we call love? The dictionary defines it as “a passionate feeling or romantic desire and sexual attraction; or an intense feeling of tender affection and compassion.” Love is a feeling, a perceived physical or emotional sensation. You can’t touch it or see it; you perceive it.

And yet, many of us believe the powerful and potent feeling of love in the beginning of a relationship will last forever; that the intensity and passion which existed when we “fell in love” will continue if we are truly with the right partner; and that if this feeling changes then we must be with the wrong person.

The truth is, maintaining the feeling of love in a long-term relationship does not just happen. It takes two people nurturing that feeling and understanding, over time, love changes form from “falling in love” to “growing in love.” The effortless passion, intensity and excitement that take root in the beginning must be cultivated by actively loving your partner emotionally and sexually, especially during the difficult times when the feeling of love is perceived to be gone.

When couples come to therapy because one or both have “lost that lovin’ feeling” they are doubtful their love connection can be revived. We’re here to tell you that we have seen love reawakened many times. Here’s the catch: Couples believe the feeling of love is passive and they wait to magically fall in love again. When we help them understand love is the result of acting in loving ways, they begin to see that they have the power to create the feeling of love.

We recommend couples set their intention to grow in love. When you act lovingly, when you give love, when you open your heart and listen to your partner with empathy and compassion, when you remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, when you examine the roots that have grown together as you have shared your life’s journey, the perceived sensations of love will follow.

Here are some things we have learned to strive for over the years to continue to grow in love:

• Share what happens in our workday when we get home.
• Communicate daily about anything that annoys, irritates, angers or bothers us about the other, in a kind way; and then humbly apologize and forgive.
• Do small acts of love for each other.
• Ask for what we need without assuming the other can mind-read.
• Give and receive lots of hugs.
• Thank each other for things that “we should be doing” anyway.
• Get involved with activities as a team that we are both passionate about.
• Remind ourselves and each other about all we are grateful for.
• Make ourselves responsible for continuing to grow in love.

Couples who consciously do acts of love such as these and nourish the perceived sensations of love will create love for a lifetime.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about growing in love on our Facebook page.

To Your Relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

How is sex in your relationship?

It’s estimated that one in five couples live in a “sexless” marriage, defined by experts as having sex fewer than 10 times a year. One third of couples have mismatched desire. Studies also show that only 40% of married couples are very satisfied with their sex lives.

We can tell you from listening to many couples that sex is a major area of contention in marriages. We most often hear, “I have nothing more to give at the end of the day.” “I’m too tired.” “I don’t want anyone else touching me.” “Every time I initiate sex I get turned down so I stopped asking.” “I feel I no longer turn her on, and it’s killing me.” Partners worry: “If she is not making love with me, maybe she’s having an affair.”

Here’s what happens to romance for many couples: Passion abounds in the beginning while young couples are starting out and working on their careers. Then kids come along. Now we all love our kids but we can tell you they put a huge damper on our sex lives. There is so much to do and so little time, that sex goes to the bottom of the to-do list and stays there. The result is either both partners succumb to this and become roommates or they chronically argue and resentment builds up. Without the conscious effort of both people feeding the sexual fire the erotic flame will burn out.

Here are some tips to keep sex and romance alive:

1) Be the one to initiate if you are usually the one who waits to be asked – your partner will appreciate it.

2) Do something different – we all get into routines in bed; spice it up with a new sexy outfit, a different room in the house, a new toy.

3) Create private time – no excuses! Send the kids over to the grandparents or to their friends or go away for one night or a week.

Though it is a challenge, no doubt, to make erotic love a priority, it is vital to the Head, Heart and Hormones balance essential to a lifetime of love and lust.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about sex after marriage on our Facebook page.

To Your Relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

P.S. Don’t miss our FREE 20-page eWorkbook, “How Close Are You to Extraordinary? Find Your Personal Starting Point on the Journey to a Lifetime of Love.”

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

Why is it that on the day couples say “I do,” 100 percent of us commit to monogamy, yet ultimately many people break that promise? During the lifetime of a marriage, experts estimate that 30–40 percent of women and 50-60 percent of men will have sex with someone outside their marriage. Affairs are all around us; they happen in the marriages of celebrities, our friends, our parents, and even in our own marriages.

A recent study at the University of Washington found that 20 percent of newlywed husbands and 15 percent of newlywed wives acknowledge having had an affair in the first year of marriage – that’s 35 percent of people! And those were the ones who admitted it.

So what’s the rub?

Here”s our analysis: The move from single life to married life is much more significant than most people understand. Getting married means giving up the freedom to do what you want without considering your partner. From the moment you tie the knot all the decisions you make, how you spend money, the friends you spend time with, the daily schedule you keep is filtered through what your partner needs and wants; everything you do impacts your relationship in some way. The loss of singlehood and total personal freedom may create anxiety, resentment or rebellion which can manifest in an affair. We don’t talk about this loss.

So much time and energy is spent planning for the wedding day that we don’t have the awareness or make the time to prepare for the marriage. If we are fortunate, the minister, pastor or rabbi marrying us will insist upon a couple pre-marital counseling sessions. That may be the extent of the education and training we get on how to make the biggest transition of our lives (except for having children of course).

We are also uninformed about the need to consciously nurture the feelings of love and passion we start out with. As life moves on and kids arrive with an ever increasing amount of responsibilities, couples have to consciously attend to the relationship or they may gradually drift apart. It is so easy to connect with co-workers, old boyfriends/girlfriends on Facebook and/or get distracted by pornography that without a very strong conscience and consciousness, people may not resist the temptation to indulge. And they slide down the slippery slope to the detriment of themselves, their partner and their marriage.

To prevent this, it is vital to recognize the need to become educated about marriage and relationships, to learn the skills to communicate and create a deep connection, and to nurture and work on your relationship every day. Feed the connections and stay aware of your marriage and you can have a commitment that will last a lifetime.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about marital fidelity and infidelity on our Facebook page.

To Your Relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

It is the celebration of one moment in life that symbolizes time’s passing. It reminds us to take an intentional accounting of how we have lived our lives over the previous year and consciously consider what changes we want to make for the next year. It is a deliberate pause in our busyness.

New Years is a great time to take a conscious look into your relationship. How was your partnership last year? And how do you want it to improve in 2012? It’s up to you. Your connection does not happen by accident. It is created by what you and your partner do, the way you do it, and how you and your partner think about what you do. Once you recognize this, you will find you have a lot more power to change your relationship than you think.

Here are some questions for you and your partner to consider individually and then talk about with each other to start consciously co-creating your relationship in 2012:

1. How do I feel about our relationship in general?
2. How satisfied am I in the following areas on a scale from 1 – 10?
   • Communication
   • Emotional Intimacy
   • Sexual Intimacy
3. What part do I play in creating the emotional and sexual connection between us, positive and negative?
4. What thoughts do I carry around with me about the relationship?
   • Do those thoughts nurture the positive things about the relationship or the negative?
5. What are the actions I take to foster loving feelings or create distance?
   • Do I do the little things daily that can make a big difference?
6. What can I specifically do to move our relationship higher on the scale?

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about consciously co-creating your relationship in the new year on our Facebook page.

We wish you and your family a warm, healthy, and happy New Year!!

Lori and Bob Hollander

P.S. You may also want to check out our FREE audio program, Relationship Resolutions for the New Year: How to Take Your Relationship to Extraordinary.

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

We invite you to join the conversation about this topic and everything else we’re blogging about this month.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Or, did you instead focus on planning the “perfect” wedding and honeymoon?

You’re not alone. Most couples are so mesmerized by being in love they believe that love will carry them through and it will all just work out. Sadly, one out of two of those couples are wrong.

Have you ever wondered, “Did I marry the ‘right’ person?”

It is a common thought, especially among the couples who believed marriage would just work out, and it’s a thought you need to understand.

Were you expecting your marriage to be like your parents’ relationship, or like that “perfect” couple everyone envies, or like the idealized version featured in pop culture, such as the Cleavers or the Bradys?

Recent studies report that marriage is on the decline; with success rates hovering around 50%, it’s really not a big surprise. And unrealistic expectations can hinder a marriage from the get-go.

So we’re here to help you beat the odds and have a loving relationship that lasts a lifetime – the one you’ve always wanted and deserve.

On this call, you’ll learn:

• The top reasons marriages don’t last

• Why you might wonder if your partner is the “right” person

• Realistic expectations in a “normal,” healthy relationship

• The THREE TRUTHS to ensure your marriage lasts a lifetime

The Three Truths That Will Ensure Your Marriage Lasts a Lifetime
When: Thursday, February 2nd, 8 – 9 PM EST
Cost: Free

Click here to register for this TeleClass.

Read what participants said about our previous classes.

Here are some ideas to jump start building a deeper connection:

1. Carve out sacred time for each other – Create a regular time each week when you will have alone time without the kids. Strong marriages put the relationship first some of the time. It will be a gift to you and your partner, and ultimately to your kids.
2. Talk about how you want to receive love – Exchange thoughts with your partner about makes each of you feel the most loved. What is it that you need more of? Words, touch, time, respect, listening? Make a conscious effort to do more for each other.
3. Plan regular dates – Get into the habit of going out 2-4 times per month. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It can be coffee and dessert. It’s about having fun together.
4. Be authentic – Share your deeper feelings and thoughts with each other. Have honest conversations about the relationship; withholding what you think and feel or not being truthful will lead to distance and disconnection.
5. Have more sex – Emotional love and physical love need to be in balance. Often we put sex last on our list or make it into a chore. Talk with your partner about your sexual connection and see how you can build this part of your relationship.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about relationship resolutions on our Facebook page.

We wish you and your family a healthy, happy and warm New Year!!

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

And there are all kinds of decisions to make: who and when to visit, how much money to spend, who to get gifts for, which parties to attend. The potential for conflicting demands, miscommunication, disappointment and disagreement are great.

Here are 5 ways to prevent holiday heartache in your relationship:

• Take on the challenge as a team – Communicate and plan together. Talk about how you can support each other when entertaining or in family situations.

• Set realistic expectations – the “wished for” holiday remember is never the way we imagine; so lower your expectation and when things don’t go according to plan, ask your partner for a hug and breathe.

• Respect each others needs – Listen and be supportive of each other without having to be right.

• Manage conflict – instead of conflicts coming between the two of you, write the conflict down and solve it as a team.

• Consciously connect – Do the little connecting things through the day e.g. giving hugs, checking in with each other during your celebrations.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about ways to prevent holiday heartache on our Facebook page.

http://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsWorkPage

We wish you and your family a warm and wonderful holiday!!

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.