“Life with Lori” can be problematic.

I realize much in this relationship passes below my radar – so maybe I’m actually part of the problem – ya’ think? Bottom line: Sometimes I just don’t know what the heck is going on when we continue to replay old conflicts, as if we needed practice.

What I have learned through my 20-plus years of working with relationships (especially my own) is that I must not ignore complicated issues that need attention. And that seemingly insignificant areas of conflict are often signs of something powerfully brewing just below. It is vital that we take greater care at understanding what these signals are trying to tell us.

How do we promote such understanding before we lose something most dear?

Let me first define three words:

Dialogue – an exchange of ideas between two people;

Monologue – a talk by a single speaker; and

Soliloquy – talking as if alone.

During times of heightened emotion DIALOGUE will not work. We are not interested in an exchange of ideas; rather, we just want to express ourselves and be heard. Trying to dialogue will only frustrate, and all attempts should be jettisoned.

We must swiftly move to MONOLOGUE (your partner’s) as soon as possible. Though it will take time for your partner to fully articulate her feelings, it is critical to be supportive without interruption. For as she senses that you are really listening, you are quickly transforming an adversarial relationship into a supportive one. This is the beginning of new understanding for both.

With her deeper feelings beginning to emerge, you will notice anger dissipating and a quick return to calm and reflection. As your partner begins to trust without fear of judgment, she grows more vulnerable and a period of self discovery ensues.

She has now moved to SOLILOQUY and she feels an increasing freedom to explore her deepest and most guarded feelings, as if she were alone and thinking out loud. It is here where both of you, maybe for the first time, begin to understand the deeply held and guarded feelings so long hidden.

With this, the pieces of the puzzle start fitting together. And here, a new hope, a new sharing and a new trust is born.

Bob