Seth and Avery came in for their first counseling session with Bob. It went like this… (names are fictitious to protect privacy.)

Seth: I knew we had problems communicating and sometimes we’d argue, but I was shocked when Avery said she wanted a divorce.
Avery: I’ve been telling him for years that I was unhappy and he never got it, until now, when I said I was done. I just don’t feel the connection. I love him but I am not “in love” with him anymore.
Seth: Is that when you started to talk to your old boyfriend on Facebook?
Avery: Yes, but nothing really happened; we just texted each other and met for lunch once.
Seth: 500 texts is not “nothing!” And meeting up for lunch! How would you feel if I met up with my old girlfriend for lunch?
Avery (to Bob): You see. I can’t talk to him. All he does is get angry.
Bob: What do you think is under his anger?
Avery: I don’t know.
Bob: He is hurt. He feels wounded because you reached out to another man.
Avery: He doesn’t get hurt, he only gets angry.
Bob: It may look that way because men don’t show their hurt the way women do. Women may say they feel sad or cry, but when men hurt they stuff it and withdraw, or they cover it up with anger so they don’t feel vulnerable. It’s often difficult for men to express their pain, but that doesn’t mean it is not there.

Often in our practice we see women who don’t understand that men share the same capacity for feeling deeply wounded and hurt. It’s vital to understand and respond to your partner’s pain.

Here are three tips for responding to your man when he is hurting:

1. Believe that men do feel hurt, just like women. Although he may not talk about it or openly express his feelings, or cry when he has emotional pain, he hurts every bit as much as you do.
2. Ask him what he is thinking about, not what he is feeling. Generally men have an easier time expressing their thoughts as opposed to their feelings so drawing out what he is thinking may work best to get the conversation started.
3. Vocalize and validate the feelings for him. Reflect the feelings you believe he is expressing, e.g. “I can see that I really hurt you.” And empathize with his pain.

Watch this video to hear us talk more in depth about men and hurt in relationships.

Some people think that two relationship counselors married to each other, like Bob and me, must have the perfect marriage. They might even believe that we get along all the time and have little or no conflict. That is far from the truth!

Bob and I tell our clients, “When it comes to conflict, we are no different than you. We’ve just learned how to work it through.” So we thought we would use one of our recent conflicts to show you how we handled it in just four steps. It sounds easy, but it takes a lot of practice to learn this dance.

Here are the four steps that help us work through issues after we have a disagreement that raises our emotional temperatures:

1. Take a time-out for 15-20 minutes to cool down strong emotions.
2. Come back to continue the conversation with an open mind.
3. Take turns deeply listening to validate each other’s point of view.
4. Problem-solve to figure out a solution that is acceptable to both partners.

Watch this video to hear us talk more in depth about these four steps.

By the time you finish work, grab a quick dinner, take the kids to softball, do homework, put them to bed and make lunches for tomorrow, there is no time or energy to do anything but crawl into bed. You wake up the next day and do it all over again. Weekends are filled with the chores you don’t get done during the week: laundry, food shopping, projects around the house, mowing the lawn, dinner with in-laws. The list never ends.

No wonder so many couples fall into what we call, the “relationship rut.”

But how do you know if you’re there?

You’re in a relationship rut when you:

• Don’t have much to talk (or text) about.
• Would rather spend time bonding on Facebook than with him.
• Haven’t been on a date in months.
• Spend more time talking to Siri than her.
• Can’t remember the last time you laughed together.
• Notice your computer spends more time on your lap than she does.
• Haven’t enjoyed sex in weeks or months.
• Cuddle your iPhones more than each other.

American novelist Edith Wharton said: Habit is necessary; it is the habit of having habits, of turning a trail into a rut that must be incessantly fought against if one is to remain alive.

The same holds true for relationships. We need routine in our lives; but to stay vibrant, we must not allow our partnerships to fall into and stay in a rut.

Here are five steps to climb out and stay out of a rut:

1. Make your marriage a priority – Carve out time to be together without the kids to reconnect and focus on each other.
2. Nurture your friendship – Do something fun together that you both enjoy.
3. Focus on the positives – Make a list of the qualities you love about each other and share them.
4. Unplug – Put away the electronics in the evening and spend time talking to each other, reading a book together or planning a getaway.
5. Do random acts of romance – Leave a love note, initiate sex or make a date to have sex.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on ‘relationship ruts.’ Chime in here or on Facebook.

“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset.  - Stephen Russell

Do you and your partner share deep feelings during or after a disagreement? Most of us in conflict express anger and frustration; however, the deeper, more vulnerable feelings of pain, fear, hurt and sadness are often forgotten or avoided.

Nature has taught us to draw back or become aggressive when we are hurt; to protect ourselves by moving away from pain and vulnerability. So it’s common for couples to fall into a pattern of shutting down when hurt; or camouflaging the pain with belligerence and attack.

For us to suggest that couples share deeper, more vulnerable feelings during or after conflict as a way of becoming closer seems anti-intuitive. Yet that is exactly what we are saying.

It is when you are most vulnerable with your partner that you strengthen the foundation of your relationship.

In a Couple to Couple session with us, Derrick expressed anger that Ann was cold towards him and hadn’t had sex with him in two months. I asked Derrick what other feelings he had that were under the anger. His eyes watered and he described feeling hurt and worried that Ann had lost her attraction to him. He was afraid he was losing her.

It was this expression of the vulnerable part of himself that touched Ann who turned toward him and started to listen. He apologized to her for having been irritable over the last few months and revealed that he was worried since there had been layoffs on his job. As a result of Derrick’s sharing his deeper feelings, Ann connected with him and they hugged. Derrick realized how sharing his vulnerability with Ann brought them closer.

It’s vital that couples share deeper feelings and venture upon the “road less travelled” – the road of vulnerability and openness to forge a strong relationship.

When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. ~ Stephen R. Covey

Deep relationships don’t happen by accident. They are created when partners develop “profound empathy” for each others feelings. This involves more than knowing “about” your partner – his/her favorite food, what he/she likes to do for fun, or what his/her history is. It takes authentic, caring, patient communication to become keenly aware of his/her feelings. It means taking off your shoes and trying on your partner’s. Or as Bob puts it, walking a mile in my high heels.

So what exactly is empathy? Often people confuse empathy with sympathy. Expressing sympathy means letting the other know you recognize their distress with compassion. For example, “I’m so sorry you are in pain. I feel bad for you.”

Empathy goes deeper and shows that you can actually imagine his/her feelings and perceptions through his/her eyes. For example, “I sense how much pain you are in. It is very intense.” You feel with him/her not just for him/her.

The path to empathy is through communication; listening to thoughts, the logical, rational message; and listening to feelings, interpreting the meaning of your partner’s message. Empathizing with your partner’s feelings takes one to a deep level of “knowing” and understanding his/her internal frame of reference or perception.

Think of perception as an individual pair of eyeglasses; we each have our own prescription. When you remove your eyeglasses and put on your partner’s, you view the situation through his/her lens. This is the essence of empathy. And it’s difficult to achieve.

Actors prepare for their roles by developing profound empathy for their character. For his role as President Lincoln, Daniel Day-Lewis spent a full year reading and thinking about the president, sent text messages to his cast mates as “The Commander in Chief” and on set refused to allow discussions of current events. Sally Fields who played Mary Todd Lincoln gained 25 pounds for her role.

Actor Edward Norton says, “I’ve always thought of acting as more of an exercise in empathy, which is not to be confused with sympathy. You’re trying to get inside a certain emotional reality…and trying to figure out what that’s about so you can represent it.”

The payoff for developing “profound empathy” is enormous. Working to understand and become sensitive to your partner’s feelings creates the strongest bond a relationship can have. It creates a safe harbor and protects your relationship and family.

One of the most frequent questions we’re asked by single men and women, especially those who have gone through divorce and haven’t dated for years, is “How do I meet Mr. or Mrs. Right?” When you are single in your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond, it becomes more and more difficult to meet suitable partners.

So here are some suggestions that we have given to women and men on places to go to find true love:

1. On-line – Many people, especially women, cringe when we suggest on-line dating. Yet we can attest to the fact that many clients we’ve worked with and some of our family members have met their “Mr./Mrs. Right” on-line. The top dating websites are Match.com, eHarmony.com, Chemistry.com, JDate.com, OkCupid.com, PlentyOfFish.com, ChristianMingle.com, True.com, OurTime.com.
2. Reunions – Even if you haven’t gone before this is a wonderful place to catch up with people you haven’t seen in years, maybe an “old flame” who is single or divorced. And you can let others know you are looking to date.
3. Blind Dates – Ask people you know, friends, family, co-workers to be on the lookout for you. Even the worst blind date costs one night out of your life and you never know who you will meet.
4. Classes – Take lessons in something that interests you and appeals to the sex you are looking to date. You’ll most likely find more women taking cooking classes and more men taking flying lessons. Dancing lessons, financial courses, sailing and scuba diving are other good ideas.
5. Singles Groups – There are singles groups that plan activities so you get to know other single men and women while enjoying a fun activity.
6. Religious Organizations – Places of worships may have activities for singles and certainly you will meet new people to connect with.
7. Volunteer Groups – When you do volunteer work with a group, you will meet like-minded people who care about what you do. Areas of interest include groups focused on politics, the arts, helping the homeless, veterans, the environment and animal welfare.

You never know where you are going to meet the next love of your life. Keep your eyes and ears open. And don’t give up.

Do you know how sensitive your man is? Chances are you don’t. Everyday in our office we see men who feel “hurt” by the women they love. Of course, they may not show it like women do. They may withdraw, shut down or get defensive; but when asked directly they say, yes, they feel hurt.

Bob has taught me this lesson about men over our 25 years, yet I forget from time to time, like most partners. He wanted to share our most recent story with you, so here it is:

My long time friend, Ted Zeff, Ph.D., authored a book entitled “The Strong Sensitive Boy,” which speaks to the underlying sensitive side of male children who too often feel hurt and rejected. Thanks to Ted I’ve realized a parallel here – that men too, can be strong and sensitive.

This morning, most innocently, I asked Lori (“usually” my most adorable wife) a question about a new billing program we are considering. What seemed like quite a relevant and legitimate question to me incited a tsunami of emotions and verbiage from Lori that swept over me like a flood of biblical proportions! From my chair, her reaction was just a bit over the top. Where did these feelings come from – maybe from Lori’s chronic complaint that I regularly ask questions about things I could figure out, but would rather opt for Lori to give me the answer? Guilty as charged.

Observing my reaction, I became aware of what many men experience. Underneath my defensive shield, there was a much deeper, more sensitive response of hurt and pain. My defensiveness was a cover for feeling wounded and vulnerable, as if I’d asked a dumb question.

It’s at these times that Lori forgets that her guy is quite sensitive, that her words and tone can hurt me, though I may not admit it at the time.  Maybe next time I will.

Practicing what we preach, we talked about what happened and I shared more of my feelings. She apologized for reacting so strongly and I acknowledged I was letting her do the learning for the two of us. Being genuine and owning our part without blame allowed us to come back together. Author Anais Nin makes the point beautifully… “There is a resemblance between men and women, not a contrast. When a man begins to recognize his feeling, the two unite. When men accept the sensitive side of themselves, they come alive.”

We would love to hear your thoughts about “strong and sensitive men.”

Sex is the second most common issue that couples argue about. Money is number one. The biggest complaint about sex in long-term relationships is the loss of desire, or the ebb in erotic longing for your partner over time.

All too often, once couples commit or marry and the responsibilities of life come into play, i.e. work, kids, bills, partners lose their erotic appeal. We often hear, “I love my partner but I am not ‘in love’ with him/her anymore. I lost the desire for him/her. He/She’s more like a roommate or a friend than a lover.”

Esther Perel in her book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, identifies the dilemma facing committed couples – - How do you reconcile the need for reliability and steadiness in a loving relationship with the need for exhilaration and novelty of an erotic relationship? Esther Perel answers that question very well in her book.

Here is a video excerpt from one of her presentations on this topic. We think you will enjoy it.

Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship.

Let us know if you enjoyed this!

“If you are going to pursue revenge, you might as well dig two graves.” – Chinese proverb

Forgiveness matters. For love to be sustained over a lifetime, we must be able to forgive.

Inevitably in any relationship, there will be times where your partner will say or do something hurtful. Feelings of pain, sadness, anger, rejection and betrayal may arise. It’s common to feel overwhelmed by our responses and replay the incident over and over in our minds. The feelings intensify. The longer the situation goes unresolved the deeper the pain will be; and the more difficult it will be to forgive.

Holding on to hurt and anger has been shown to lead to depression and anxiety, feeling consumed by unhappiness, health problems and substance abuse. It also undermines trust and intimacy in a relationship.

We believe the best way to handle hurts is to take a cooling off period and then come back to each other as soon as possible to resolve the issue.

Forgiveness involves:

• Taking the offense less personally; remembering that your partner wouldn’t intentionally set out to hurt you.
• Coming to an understanding of what occurred that led to the hurt, through each of you expressing what happened from your point of view and how you felt.
• Letting go of the anger towards your partner, after he apologizes, and re-connecting.

Studies have shown that people who forgive:

• Have a greater sense of well-being.
• Feel more in control of their lives.
• Are happier and healthier.
• Have better and more intimate relationships.

Bob and I practice forgiveness whenever we hurt each other’s feelings. It’s certainly not easy to work it through and let go, even for two people who do this for a living, but we can tell you it keeps the relationship positive.

“Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.” ― Nicholas Sparks, Safe Haven

Is it ground hog’s day in your relationship? Do you find yourself having the same conflict with your partner over and over? For most of us, the answer is yes.

The chronic arguments in relationships are often about the minor habits or behaviors that our partner does (or doesn’t do) that annoy us to death. No matter how many times we have asked, it continues to happen. The arguments usually begin with, “How many times have I asked you to…”

And end with…

• Empty the dishwasher in the morning.
• Take the trash out before the can overflows.
• Wipe the crumbs off the kitchen counter.
• Put your dishes in the sink after dinner.
• Not leave your clothes around.
• Replace the roll of toilet paper when it’s used up.
• Call me if you are going to be more than 15 minutes late.
• Leave wet towels in the hamper.
• Criticize me in public.
• Not be a back seat driver.

I’m sure you could write down a list of the ones you have with your partner.

The question is how can we once and for all get our partner to stop repeating what has become so maddening to us?

Here are five easy steps that will help:

1. Address the issue when the behavior is not happening. Typically we only ask our partner to change when it is happening and our request is expressed in a whiny or irritable tone. Find another time and ask your partner to discuss this issue with you so you can find a solution.
2. Describe the habit without judgment, and state how it makes you feel. Here’s one way to say it: “When you (state the specific behavior), I (state the specific impact that it has upon you). For example, “When you are more than 15 minutes late and you don’t call me, I start to worry.”
3. Respond to any invalidation of your feelings. Often partners will invalidate our feelings since they may not understand or empathize with how we feel. For example, if your partner replies, “That’s ridiculous. You shouldn’t worry if I’m 15 minutes late,” respond with, “I understand you may not ‘get it’ or agree with it, but that is how I feel and I need you to respect that.”
4. Address your partner’s feelings with empathy. The other person may misinterpret your intentions, and it’s important to address that. For example, if he says, “I feel like you are controlling me when I have to call you,” respond with “I can see why you feel that way, but that’s not my intention. I am just looking for reassurance that nothing’s happened.”
5. Brainstorm solutions together. For example ask, “How can I get the reassurance I need without you feeling controlled?”

Let your mate know how much it means to you that he listened. And when he does what you have asked, give him thanks and appreciation. This will encourage him to keep doing it.