Part Two of Extraordinary Relationships and our focus is the journey to the center of connection.

We invite you to join the conversation about this topic and everything else we’re blogging about this month.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players….”

was written by Shakespeare, but this writer of plays and beautiful sonnets about “living and loving” left out one important factor, which is that though in a relationship there are indeed two players, both players often participate simultaneously in two “different” plays – they don’t even know it.

Jim and Mary came to see us in counseling – they were having one conflict after another and their relationship was fast unraveling.

Early on, Jim revealed a childhood filled with abuse and rejection. Accordingly, he perfected defensive strategies that directed him to either run and hide in his room, or, if his room were not within his reach, to quickly and quietly withdraw deeply into himself.

Jim’s defenses were well practiced and had been sharpened over the years, so much so, that they became a deeply imbedded part with his person, and the slightest hint of aggressiveness or even assertiveness toward him from those he felt closest to resulted in a complete lock down.

Mary’s difficult childhood was the result of a cold and aloof father. No matter how she tried to please him – it was never enough. She explained that it felt as if a very “deep hole” had grown within her and felt that such may be at the bottom of the general depression and anxiety that had plagued her to this day.

Lori and I as observers were able to clearly see how these to histories were tragically playing themselves out in their present-day relationship, both without having a clue of what was going on.

Mary had tried to look for connection and validation in this relationship, but somehow, at every turn, she felt frustrated by Jim’s insensitivity and aloofness. She was feeling completely unfulfilled in the marriage and was ready to leave.

She indicated that her only form of relief at times in this relationship was for her to express a deep seated rage and resentment that had build over the years which offered some sense of power, independence and liberation for her. She remained, however, substantially unconscious of all that was really going on deep within her.

Consciously she had become very angry at Jim for not being there for her and not loving her the way she needed to be loved. She did not appreciate how vulnerable she was to that which still persisted deeply within her – that vacant hole that had been created such a long time ago.

She only knew and felt that Jim’s distancing had become increasingly unbearable for her, and that she was experiencing a deepening of her depression and an intensification of her anxiety and panic.

Of course, as would be expected, with every expression of resentment and anger by Mary toward Jim, there was a corresponding retreat even more deeply into himself by Jim.

So here we have it, the “perfect” set up for disaster, produced by two separate histories, respectively residing just under the surface of the consciousness of both Mary and Jim, tragically interlocking and threatening the very life of the marriage.

Thus, in Mary’s production, Jim has been given the starring role – the cold and withdrawn Father, just as Mary has been chosen by Jim to portray the perfectly abusive parent.

These two performances were being played out in isolation and in completely different venues – one in Mary’s mind, and the other in Jim’s. And this was becoming such a prominent part of their “relationship,” there was in fact, very little “relationship” left to speak of.

Jim and Mary had become very accomplished over the years in perfecting their respective dramas, as there had been innumerable repeat performances. They had mastered their roles so completely, and they were able to parrot their lines and their actions fastidiously in dramas that seemed all too familiar.

And so it went, Mary’s needs once again unmet, as she unconsciously played out an abandoned little girl with her greatest fears again confirmed, and with the hole in her heart continuing to widen.

And Jim, in retreating to “safety,” he found himself secure once again within prison wall labored upon by him and so diligently fashioned over the years.

It is upon the ruins of such blind interaction that the relationship continued to grow more and more unsteady. But yet, as if in earnest, this couple endeavored to weaken an already fragile foundation, completely unaware of what they are doing.

One could only imagine what this relationship might look like if they had only expended such energies in another direction.

What is critically needed here is Mary’s keen awareness that Jim was not consciously intending to “leave” her, as her father did, but rather was struggling on an unconscious level, mistakenly identifying Mary as a brutally rejecting parent.

By the same token, Jim needed to realize that he is not, in fact, defending himself from an aggressive and hurtful parent, but rather instead that he is actually encountering his wife as she unwittingly plays the scared little girl from a long time ago – a time in her life that centered upon an unavailable father and the fear that the hole in her heart would never be filled.

So here we have it, each staring in the leading role of a drama from the pages of their early “life-story” which ceaselessly unfolds before them, almost everyday and almost in every way.

And they persevere, impelled unconsciously to play out, once again, their painful past upon the stage of the present which shall continue to dominate, dictate and direct the destiny of their lives, until the “dramas” that both Jim and Mary play out in their current relationship turns to a “tragedy” that really didn’t have to be.

We are now at the point where we can ask a most fundamental question, which is, can we turn the tide of our histories and their effect upon our relationship today? Can we begin to become more keenly aware of these two separate plays that can so govern our relationship? Do we have the power to bring such unconscious material to consciousness? And although we may never be able to erase the memories of the pain and fears we had suffered in the past, can we at least separate them out from a present that is not required to relive them.

The hope for us all is that we indeed have the capacity to make such a conscious separation between past and present and accordingly transform our relationship into a better one. We all have the capacity to begin this today, and it is right here for our taking. We can indeed begin the process by conscientiously focusing upon the second of the three elements that make up “extraordinary relationships,” which is to (1) practice becoming “courageously aware,” – daring to openly reexamine our past and the history of our partner and, (2) to practice being “compassionately understanding,” by trying to remain as staunchly nonjudgmental as possible of the path that both you and your partner have travelled in your lifetime.

During this past month, we took you on a ride down Extraordinary Relationship Lane, where we visited the three critical stops along your journey to move your partnership to extraordinary:

1) Conscious and Active Co-Creation
2) Courageous Awareness and Compassionate Understanding of Self & Partner
3) Vital Connection in Head, Heart & Hormones

To help you find and map out your Personal Starting Point, we shared our free 48-question assessment tool, How Close are You to Extraordinary? The assessment results gave you a snapshot of where your relationship is today and illuminated what areas you and your partner might want to focus on first in growing your connection.

Before you set off down your own path, it’s important to take with you the necessary provisions to sustain yourselves and the relationship. Some of these are in the form of beliefs and some are in the form of skills. …continue reading

The last three weeks we have journeyed down Extraordinary Relationship Lane and made three stops: the city of Conscious & Active Co-Creation, the city of Courageous Awareness & Compassionate Understanding of Self & Partner and the city of Vital Connection in Head, Heart and Hormones. Now it’s time to pack up all the knowledge you acquired on this trip and journey back home, so you can get to work on moving toward an extraordinary relationship.

But first, you must figure out where to start. And, often, getting started is the biggest hurdle. When we work with couples in person, we are able to see which components need work and set those couples on the right path. However, we only see a small fraction of you in person! …continue reading

“Life with Lori” can be problematic.

I realize much in this relationship passes below my radar – so maybe I’m actually part of the problem – ya’ think? Bottom line: Sometimes I just don’t know what the heck is going on when we continue to replay old conflicts, as if we needed practice.

What I have learned through my 20-plus years of working with relationships (especially my own) is that I must not ignore complicated issues that need attention. And that seemingly insignificant areas of conflict are often signs of something powerfully brewing just below. It is vital that we take greater care at understanding what these signals are trying to tell us.

How do we promote such understanding before we lose something most dear?

Let me first define three words:

Dialogue – an exchange of ideas between two people;

Monologue – a talk by a single speaker; and

Soliloquy – talking as if alone.

During times of heightened emotion DIALOGUE will not work. We are not interested in an exchange of ideas; rather, we just want to express ourselves and be heard. Trying to dialogue will only frustrate, and all attempts should be jettisoned.

We must swiftly move to MONOLOGUE (your partner’s) as soon as possible. Though it will take time for your partner to fully articulate her feelings, it is critical to be supportive without interruption. For as she senses that you are really listening, you are quickly transforming an adversarial relationship into a supportive one. This is the beginning of new understanding for both.

With her deeper feelings beginning to emerge, you will notice anger dissipating and a quick return to calm and reflection. As your partner begins to trust without fear of judgment, she grows more vulnerable and a period of self discovery ensues.

She has now moved to SOLILOQUY and she feels an increasing freedom to explore her deepest and most guarded feelings, as if she were alone and thinking out loud. It is here where both of you, maybe for the first time, begin to understand the deeply held and guarded feelings so long hidden.

With this, the pieces of the puzzle start fitting together. And here, a new hope, a new sharing and a new trust is born.

Bob

The last two weeks we have journeyed down Extraordinary Relationship Lane with our first stop at the city of Conscious & Active Co-Creation and our second stop at the city of Courageous Awareness & Compassionate Understanding of Self & Partner.

This week, we are back on the road and make our third stop at the city of Vital Connection in Head, Heart and Hormones. …continue reading

The act of compassion begins with full attention, just as rapport does. You have to really see the person. If you see the person, then naturally, empathy arises. If you tune into the other person, you feel with them. If empathy arises, and if that person is in dire need, then empathic concern can come. You want to help them, and then that begins a compassionate act. So I’d say that compassion begins with attention. – Daniel Goleman

Last week, we got began our journey down Extraordinary Relationship Lane and visited our first stop, the city of Conscious & Active Co-Creation. Today, we are back in the car and make our second stop at the city of Courageous Awareness & Compassionate Understanding of Self & Partner.

Courageous Awareness means being aware of, and taking responsibility for, your part in creating the state of the relationship. So often when couples having problems come to see us, they bring a list of everything the other is doing/has done wrong. They have no trouble articulating their inventory of complaints about their partner. There is blame all around. …continue reading

On our Facebook page, there was a post on ‎”10 questions to ask yourself before you decide to divorce.” When I read them it spurred many thoughts that I wanted to share, especially if there are people reading this who are thinking about this very question – Should I stay or should I go?

Bob and I talk with couples about this question often since some of the couples who come to see us are deciding whether they should stay together or separate. Since the average couple waits 8 years beyond the time problems begin to seek help, that’s right, 8 years, many couples coming to therapy have little or no hope that their marriage can be turned around. Marriage counseling is the last step before walking out the door.

Here is our experience and our strong belief. The decision to divorce is one of the biggest decisions a couple will ever make in their lives, especially if they have kids. If two people are willing to commit to working on the relationship with the help of therapy in a spirit of “doing whatever it takes,” we believe any relationship can improve. This relates to the first component of creating an extraordinary relationship, which is: Extraordinary relationships are Consciously & Actively Co-Created by both partners. With commitment and perseverance, couples can learn and become more conscious of their part in creating the state of the relationship at any point – in bad times and good. Our work is devoted to helping couples do the active work needed to move their relationship to a healthier, happier place.

It is important to start by assessing where is your relationship now. Our new tool, How Close Are You to Extraordinary? Find Your Personal Starting Point is an assessment tool which has 48 questions that will help you and your partner see a snapshot of where your relationship is today, and what areas and skills you may want to develop or improve to move your relationship in the direction of more awareness and understanding of yourself and your partner, and a deeper connection in what we call head, heart and hormones.

We always encourage couples to go down the path of working on the relationship first to see what can happen with a deeper understanding before they consider separation or divorce. After all, it is a decision that will affect the rest of your life and, if you have them, your children’s.

Lori

“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”
-Neil Armstrong, setting foot on the moon in 1969

Every extraordinary journey starts with the first step. So too, does your road to a lifetime of love and passion.

Getting to the moon used to seem like “the impossible dream;” yet, with time, energy, patience and teamwork, it was achieved.

The road to an Extraordinary Relationship, a lifetime of deep and lasting connection with one person, may also seem like an impossible dream. Our 20-plus years of work with thousands of couples, not to mention working on our own relationship, has shown us otherwise.

The key to extraordinary lies in understanding the components that create a “forever” bond and then acting upon them.

Over the next four weeks, we are going to take you on a ride down Extraordinary Relationship Lane and give you a better view of the three critical stops along your journey. The three components that distinguish an extraordinary partnership from one that is good or even great. …continue reading

I have learned over the years that daring to talk openly and genuinely about relationships results in a cascade of formerly buried thoughts and feelings that can be quite intense and self-revealing. And it confirms my belief that knowing and understanding as much as we possibly can about just such thoughts and feelings can and will substantially open our minds and hearts.

Case in point: Although I have had some scattered thoughts and feelings about the issue of the “ebb and flow” of my relationship with Lori, and with relationships in general, I never really focused upon it in any serious manner – that is, until last Saturday night.

What I am talking about is “Woman Talk Live,” a most incredible radio show, hosted by Ann Quasman and co-hosted that night by Monyka Berracossa – an encounter that would shake up my world, and drive me once again into the promises as well as the perils of investigating relationships from a slightly different angle. I must admit that what made this experience so valuable was the energy that these two brought that night, which included their most delightful way of challenging Lori and I at every turn.

And thus, after “surviving” this radio show, yet again, and after being surrounded and ritualistically pummeled by some pretty remarkable and most beautiful women, I have since experienced a cascade of deeper thoughts about “ebb and flow,” how it manifests in relationships, and, more specifically, in my relationship with Lori. I guess you could say that Ann and Monyka’s “no holds barred and take no prisoners” interview style rocked my mind and jostled my unconscious.

I can only attribute my new insights, understanding and fresh thought to the energy of this “Dynamic Duo” and to the conversation that evolved during that fateful night. As a matter of fact, I believe this “close encounter” with Ann and Monyka may have actually influenced Lori’s latest Relationship Recharge.

My point here is just this: That even within the formalities and strictures of a radio studio – having the chance to talk honestly, openly and genuinely about your relationship will help you view that relationship just a little bit differently than you had before. And this small shift in perspective sometimes can yield great treasures of understanding and connection with your partner.

And if this can happen during a radio show, then how much more can we contribute to the quality of our delicate relationship with our partner, if we but endeavor to do the same privately, consciously, on a daily basis.

So thank you, Monyka Berracossa, for who you genuinely are, and thank you, Ann, for all that you do for so many, and what you do for us every time we are with you in this most incredibly honest and authentic forum. And of course thank you, Lori, as usual, for being a most faithful partner no matter what I might spring upon you at any given moment.

Bob Hollander

Let’s kick off our Relate 360° topic a little differently this time.

Instead of an article, we have an exciting new way to present Part Two of Extraordinary Relationships – Journey to the Center of Connection.

And that’s through an audio clip.

Listen to audio for this month’s topic: Extraordinary Relationships: The Journey to the Center of Connection Now

Just a reminder, last month you learned the definition of “extraordinary relationships,” and this month we’re inviting you to make it personal – through tools that help you apply the definition to your own relationship. You’ll even have the chance to pinpoint YOUR Personal Starting Point – meaning, the most useful place to focus your effort for the most transformative results.

Oh, and before we forget — this month’s free Relate 360° TeleClass takes off where last month’s ended. So, if you joined us for that – or missed out on what was a very thought-provoking conversation (thanks you participants!) – you’re not going to want to pass on this one. Again, we’re going to make help you make it personal – so, please register as early as possible. We’re going to be asking you to send us questions and comments ahead of time!

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander