The Truth About Marriage.

We invite you to join the conversation about this topic and everything else we’re blogging about this month.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Before you vowed, “Till death do us part,” did you talk to your partner about how many kids you wanted? About sex and monogamy? Your values about money? How you manage conflict?

Or, did you instead focus on planning the “perfect” wedding and honeymoon?

You’re not alone. Most couples are so mesmerized by being in love they believe that love will carry them through and it will all just work out. Sadly, one out of two of those couples are wrong.

Have you ever wondered, “Did I marry the ‘right’ person?”

It is a common thought, especially among the couples who believed marriage would just work out, and it’s a thought you need to understand.

Were you expecting your marriage to be like your parents’ relationship, or like that “perfect” couple everyone envies, or like the idealized version featured in pop culture, such as the Cleavers or the Bradys?

Recent studies report that marriage is on the decline; with success rates hovering around 50%, it’s really not a big surprise. And unrealistic expectations can hinder a marriage from the get-go.

So we’re here to help you beat the odds and have a loving relationship that lasts a lifetime – the one you’ve always wanted and deserve.

On this call, you’ll learn:

• The top reasons marriages don’t last

• Why you might wonder if your partner is the “right” person

• Realistic expectations in a “normal,” healthy relationship

• The THREE TRUTHS to ensure your marriage lasts a lifetime

The Three Truths That Will Ensure Your Marriage Lasts a Lifetime
When: Thursday, February 2nd, 8 – 9 PM EST
Cost: Free

Click here to register for this TeleClass.

Read what participants said about our previous classes.

“If a married couple with children has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted, non-logistical, non-problem-solving talk every day, I would put them in the top 5% of all married couples. It’s an extraordinary achievement.” ~ Bill Doherty

Time is the only resource we all have equally: 24 hours a day; 7 days a week; 365 days a year. And yet it is the resource most people feel they have the least control over. With the demands of work, children, parents, friends and community, time for our relationships gets put on the back burner.

We would never consider not spending time on our jobs or with our kids. If we failed to make our careers a priority we wouldn’t advance. If we failed to make our kids a priority they wouldn’t succeed. Yet we don’t recognize the same is true with our partnerships. It is taken for granted that we can postpone spending time with each other. This grave mistake can lead couples to gradually and unconsciously drift apart.

When clients tell us they are not feeling connected one of the first questions we ask is, “How much time do you spend together?” More often than not we hear:

• By the time we get home from work, make dinner and put the kids to bed, we have no time.
• The kids play sports so we are out four nights a week and on weekends.
• Date nights fell by the wayside; we have too much to do and it’s too expensive.

Then we ask, “When was the last time the two of you went away together?”

• Just the two of us? Are you kidding?
• It’s been years.
• Not since the kids were born.

The million dollar question is: “Where do we get the time?” This is the tricky part and the answer is different for each couple. We ask our couples to go back to the drawing board, remembering they have 24 hours a day, and that it is a life or death matter for their relationship to figure it out.

Here are some tips that may help:

1)   Create daily routines – plan at least 15-30 minutes/day in the morning, evening or lunchtime communicating with each other about your day.

2)   Set up a weekly date without the kids – it doesn’t have to be expensive: set up a babysitting swap with friends; go out for coffee and dessert instead of a fancy dinner; take a walk.

3)   Plan time to go away together – even for just one night. When our kids were young, we would go away for just one night, two or three times a year. More frequent, short trips were more rejuvenating, less expensive, and less guilt inducing than one long vacation once a year.

We would love to hear your tips and ideas for finding time in your relationship on our Facebook page.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy. ~ Meryl Streep

Kate: You just don’t “get” it!
Larry: I do “get” it. I can repeat back every word you said.
Kate: It’s not just about the words. It’s about the meaning, the feeling behind the words. It’s about you imagining what it would be like to walk in my shoes.

Ever have this conversation?

Kate is looking to Larry for empathy. And while some people are naturally empathetic, others must be taught. But it is a skill that can be learned.

Watch this video to hear us explain the meaning of empathy and why it is the most important communication skill a couple can have. Then, learn the three steps to using empathy for a deeper connection with your partner.

For more videos on communication, visit our YouTube channel and our OWN channel on Oprah.com. If you would like specific suggestions on communication with your partner, email us.

We are here to support you in your personal journey toward extraordinary.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

‘The Lost Conversation’ is the one that goes beyond the spoken word, diving deeper into the conflict, to uncover the hidden and unconscious conversations. Below the surface, it searches for understanding and meaning within each individual and their relationship.

Elements of the Lost Conversation

Every time we have one conversation, we are actually having three. In other words, one exchange between two people equals three conversations:

1) The Spoken Conversation – the exchange of words

2) The Hidden Conversation– the unspoken messages (thoughts and feelings) being communicated below the surface

3) The Unconscious Conversation – the deeper exchange that comes from our emotional baggage

In this paradigm, there is no right and wrong because at this level, both partner’s perceptions are always “right.” The Lost Conversation aims to move the conflict from an angry place to one that is more intimate, respectful and curious about each person’s feelings.

Last week, we shared Olivia and Frank’s most recent conflict about money in our Couple to Couple® Coaching session. And we identified the Hidden Conversation, the unspoken dialogue we “heard” knowing their backgrounds.

Today, we are diving deeper into the Unconscious Conversation, the conversation you may not be aware of, but that significantly affects your communication and your relationship.

The culmination of all our childhood experiences, good and bad, is the lens through which all communication and relationships are filtered. Our emotional baggage affects how we see the world, how we interpret what our partner says and does, and our feelings about significant issues in our lives, such as money.

The Three Conversations Between Olivia and Frank

The Spoken Conversation was as follows:

Olivia: Frank gave a $500 donation to the Children’s Hospital! I don’t understand how he could do that; and, without asking me! That’s more than we can afford.

Frank: You’re so uncharitable! You never want to donate money. I make $100,000 a year; you’d think we were starving.

Here was the Hidden Conversation we observed:

Olivia: In my first marriage, I naively depended upon my husband to make all the financial decisions. I was shocked and devastated when his small business went bankrupt and we lost our home. I hold onto money and want us to discuss financial expenditures because I don’t ever want to be in that situation again.

Frank: Why doesn’t she trust me? We have been married for nine years and I have worked hard to get to this income level. I donated so much to the Children’s Hospital because my brother asked me to. His son, my nephew, had heart surgery there which saved his life.

And, after we explored their childhood baggage, we were able to help them locate the Unconscious Conversation:

Olivia: My father died when I was twelve years old and left my mom to raise me and my brother. Mom worked two jobs to support us and struggled to make ends meet. It scares me to make a big donation since I may need that money if anything ever happened to you.

Frank: Growing up in a middle class family, my father taught us that no matter what our income was, there were always people worse off than us. Giving to others was a strong family value. I especially feel strongly about donating to the hospital that saved my nephew’s life.

Finding the Lost Conversation

After sharing the Hidden Conversation and the Unconscious Conversation with this couple, they found the Lost Conversation. Having gained a much deeper understanding of the reasons and motives for their feelings, Olivia was able to recognize that Frank was donating out of a sense of strong family values and wasn’t being frivolous with their money; Frank was able to understand that Olivia’s feelings weren’t a reflection of her trust in him or her charitableness, but that she was anxious about money.

In Couple to Couple® Coaching Olivia and Frank learned that conflicts were much deeper than they had imagined. We encouraged them to find the lost conversation every time they got stuck in an argument.

Out of respect for each other’s needs they decided:

• Frank would increase his life insurance to decrease Olivia’s anxiety.
• Olivia and Frank would make yearly donations but would make these decisions as a team.
• Olivia and Frank would review their financial position quarterly.

We would love to hear your thoughts about money and communication on our Facebook page.

Here’s to your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

‘The Lost Conversation’ is the one that goes beyond the spoken word, diving deeper into the conflict, to uncover the hidden and unconscious conversations. Below the surface, it searches for understanding and meaning within each individual and their relationship.

One plus one equals three when it comes to conversation. That is, one exchange between two people equals three conversations:

1) The Spoken Conversation – the exchange of words

2) The Hidden Conversation – the unspoken messages (thoughts and feelings) being communicated below the surface

3) The Unconscious Conversation – the deeper exchange that comes from our emotional baggage

Here, right and wrong have no place, because at this level, both partner’s perceptions are always “right.” The Lost Conversation aims to move the conflict from an angry place to one that is more intimate, respectful and curious about each person’s feelings.

In a Couple to Couple® Coaching session with us, Olivia and Frank described their most recent conflict about money.

Olivia: Frank gave a $500 donation to the Children’s Hospital! I don’t understand how he could do that; and, without asking me! That’s more than we can afford.

Frank: You’re so uncharitable! You never want to donate money. I make $100,000 a year; you’d think we were starving.

Who’s right – Olivia or Frank?

The answer is, they are both right from their perspectives. Their lack of communication and curiosity about each other’s point of view is the roadblock here.

Below is the Hidden Conversation we shared with Olivia and Frank, i.e. the unspoken dialogue that we “heard” knowing their backgrounds.

Olivia: In my first marriage, I naively depended upon my husband to make all the financial decisions. I was shocked and devastated when his small business went bankrupt and we lost our home. I hold onto money and want us to discuss financial expenditures because I don’t ever want to be in that situation again.

Frank: Why doesn’t she trust me? We have been married for nine years and I have worked hard to get to this income level. I donated so much to the Children’s Hospital because my brother asked me to. His son, my nephew, had heart surgery there which saved his life.

Once we shared the Hidden Conversation with this couple, they were better able to have an open and empathetic dialogue about this issue and, for the first time, listened to each other’s point of view instead of arguing and getting stuck in their positions.

Next week, we will reveal their third conversation, the Unconscious Conversation, and share how they worked it through.

We would love to hear your thoughts about money and communication on our Facebook page.

Here’s to your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

“To know oneself, one should assert oneself.” ~ Albert Camus

Dana arrives home from her once a month girls’ night out at 11pm. Rod promised her he would have the kids in bed and the dishes cleaned up by the time she got home. She walks in to find the kids in the family room and a stack of dishes in the sink.

Dana: You promised the kids would be in bed and the kitchen would be clean! You never keep your word. I’m sick and tired of being the only responsible one around here.

Rod: The kids and I wanted to watch the end of the movie. What’s the big deal?

Dana screams, “You just don’t get it!” as she walks upstairs and slams the door.

Rod yells upstairs, “You are so rigid I can’t stand it. It always has to be your way. You are so controlling.”

Sound familiar? Often times, when we speak in anger our communication is aggressive. We:

• Start sentences with “You”
• Blame and attack the other
• Exaggerate using the words “never” and “always”

Our partner may mirror our style and give us a defensive and aggressive response back. He:

• Starts sentences with “You”
• Counter-blames and attacks
• Provides facts to disprove our exaggeration
• Invalidates our feelings

Consequently, the conversation either escalates and a fight ensues or the couple retreats and withdraws. Either way nothing gets resolved.

If Dana used an assertive style here’s how the conversation would go:

Dana: Rod, when you promise me you will have the kids in bed and the dishes cleaned up, and don’t keep that promise, it makes me feel angry. I come home expecting to be able to relax but instead the kids want me to put them to bed and the place is a mess. It feels stressful, like I can’t count on you.

Rod: Sorry honey, I know it means a lot to you to walk in and feel like everything’s been done. I will do a better job next time.

Speaking assertively means we:

• Start sentences with “I” to indicate that we “own” the feeling
• Describe the bothersome behavior
• Identify, not judge, the other person’s actions
• Express how the action makes us feel and what affect it has on us
• Ask for what we need

Using assertive messages usually begets a more humble, non-defensive and agreeable response from our partner. He takes responsibility for his behavior, acknowledges our feelings and works on problem solving.

Here are the steps to creating an assertive statement:

1) Identify the behavior

When…

• I’m criticized
• I’m not feeling heard
• The towels are left on the floor

2) Describe your emotion or what it makes you think

I feel…

• unappreciated
• worried
• hurt
• frustrated
• sad

I think…

• I’m no good
• I’m not worth listening to
• I’m not important

3) State the affect/impact it has on you

Because…

• We are not connecting
• I am not getting you to understand
• I have to clean it up

4) Ask for what you need

I need to…
I would like…
It would mean a lot to me if…
I’d appreciate it if…
It would make me so happy if…

Learning to communicate assertively takes time. It may be awkward at first but with consciousness and practice, it can become your habitual style. Assertiveness can vastly improve your communication with your partner. Try it and see what a difference it makes!

We would love to hear your thoughts about assertiveness on our Facebook page.

Here’s to your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

“The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well-being of others.” ~ Sharon Anthony Bower

Do you ever fear speaking up to your partner? Or do you speak up too boldly at times? As Dr. Phil would say, “Is it workin’ for ya?”

Each of us has a style or pattern of communicating in our relationships. We may generally be passive, assertive or aggressive. Passive meaning we put others’ needs before ours and may let people take advantage of us; aggressive meaning we put our needs before others’ and step on their rights; and assertive meaning we respect our needs and others’ needs and we try to compromise or negotiate so both people get their needs met, at least partially.

In our love relationships, being passive, assertive or aggressive creates the dynamics, the tone of the relationship and the balance of control and power between partners. It also creates the degree of authenticity in the relationship since it is only when we speak up that we are our most genuine selves.

Think about how this plays out in your relationship. When two partners are passive, i.e. neither speaks up, there is little genuine conversation. Avoiding conflict is a high priority. When two partners are aggressive, they may be genuine but in a way that disrespects and hurts the other. Getting your way is most important and the relationship may be volatile or explosive. When one partner is passive and the other is aggressive there is an imbalance of power with one partner getting his/her needs met most of the time and the other submitting.

To create the most genuine and loving of relationships, you and your partner must be assertive, speaking up honestly, openly and directly about what you want and need, and respect each other’s feelings.

Becoming conscious of your general communication style, allows you to remain in your habitual mode of communicating or make the choice to speak up assertively. Here are three keys to being assertive in your relationship:

1) Remember you are a team.

For any team to win there has to be support for all the “positions.” In relationships there must be respect for each person’s point of view and desires. Only after each partner speaks their point of view, can you problem solve and make the best decisions. No matter what the outcome, each person needs to have their say.

2) Acknowledge the other’s point of view even if you don’t agree with it.

Helpful responses are ones like “I can see why you feel that way” or “Help me understand your perspective.” The act of being curious about your partner’s way of seeing things creates respect and moves the conversation away from who’s right and who’s wrong.

3) Own your needs and desires.

Take responsibility for what you want using “I” statements. Talk about your wishes without getting into who is correct or incorrect. Chances are you are both right from your perspectives.

Being assertive in your relationship is the healthiest, most authentic way to communicate and it is the path to creating the deepest connection with your partner.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about being assertive on our Facebook page.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Have you downloaded our FREE eWorkbook, How Close Are You to Extraordinary?

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships.

“A voice is a human gift; it should be cherished and used, to utter fully human speech as possible. Powerlessness and silence go together.” ~ Margaret Atwood

Have you ever wanted to say something difficult to your partner and yet you don’t speak up?

For most of us the answer is yes; and, for many people, this is the norm.

Not speaking up or voicing our authentic thoughts and feelings in a relationship is one of the most common obstacles to healthy communication, and it can lead to a very unbalanced partnership.

So why is it that we don’t just speak our minds? The answer is simple: fear.

• Fear we will hurt the other
• Fear we will not be heard
• Fear we can’t effectively put our thoughts and feelings into words

To have a healthy relationship it is vital for both partners to speak up in a kind way; in a way we will most likely be heard, and in an assertive way where we own our statements and responses.

Here are the three tips that can help people address these fears and find their voices:

1) It is really “not speaking up” that will hurt the other person.

When thoughts and feelings go unspoken and are swept under the rug you may think you are letting them go but actually you are repressing them and storing up resentment. At some point, even the most non-assertive, quiet person will get to the last straw and may even explode. It is much healthier to address issues and feelings as they occur and have no lumps under the rug that you may trip over.

2) Ask yourself how you can communicate your authentic thoughts and feelings in a way they will most likely be heard.

We all receive information, thoughts, feelings, criticisms in our characterological way. In other words, we all have an automatic style of responding we generally use. If you can determine your partner’s habitual way of responding, you may be able to figure out the best mode of communicating your message: talking, writing, emailing, texting. One caution here is you don’t want to depend on writing, emailing or texting to continue the dialogue since you miss the tone and the body language that communicates so much more than just the words. Work towards in-person communication.

3) Think about what you want to say ahead of time and write it down.

When we are emotional it is hard to be logical. You may think you know what you are going to say but in the emotional moment you may go blank. Writing your thoughts and feelings down before the conversation helps you clarify and organize your points, allows you to make sure you are using “I” statements not “You” statements and supports you in creating a message that truly communicates what you need to say. It will also help you remember your points more clearly; some people even bring their notes to the discussion.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about the fear of speaking up on our Facebook page.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

“How many times do I have to tell you…?
“Why don’t you ever listen to me?”
“You just don’t get it.”

Sound familiar? How often have you and your partner communicated, or so you thought, only to find out that you hadn’t truly understood what the other meant?

Listening sounds simple; in reality, it is anything but easy, especially when a conversation is emotional. Miscommunication during difficult times happens with all couples and the unintended consequences can be the buildup of frustration, anger and resentment if couples don’t practice effective listening skills.

What we have found in practice and in our own marriage is the key to listening during conflict is to practice a technique we call, “making each other’s case.” This will ensure you and your partner are heard.

Bob created this concept from the days gone by when he was a lawyer. (He is since “recovering.”) The idea is that a lawyer has to get the facts, understand the story and make his client’s case before the court. The lawyer may not agree with the client, he may not fully believe his client, and he may not even like his client, but his job is to understand the client’s position well enough to present it to others.

The problem with couples in conflict is that each partner is more focused on making their own case than on understanding their partner’s. So, as couples are working through conflict in a calm manner, try making each other’s case. Take turns being the lawyer for each other: get the facts, understand your partner’s perceptions and state his/her case, even if you don’t like it, even if you don’t agree with it.

Once you are able to make your partner’s case, you will have a deeper understanding of his/her thoughts and feelings; you may be able to see more fully why your partner feels the way they do and vice versa. Even if you don’t agree, the act of having been listened to and heard is what each partner truly wants. When both sides are heard and understood it is much more likely to reach compromise and resolution.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about making your partner’s case on our Facebook page.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Have you downloaded our FREE eWorkbook, How Close Are You to Extraordinary?

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong,
but sometimes it is letting go.” ~ Hermen Hesse

“We are best friends but we haven’t had sex in over a year.”

“We fight about the same issues all the time and nothing ever gets resolved.”

“My husband cheated and I’m not sure I can ever trust him again.”

People in these situations often wonder, “Should I end my marriage?” Since relationships are so complex, this is one of the most difficult questions individuals face especially when they have children. At the start of marriage counseling, clients often feel hopeless having tried everything they can think of, or just having “put up” with issues until some breaking point.

Our advice to people, assuming there is no domestic violence, is to encourage them to work with us in therapy and try to save the relationship. The way we look at it, you can always decide to get a divorce; and there is so much invested in a committed relationship it pays to see if therapy can help.

Here are the three questions we ask people to think about and work through before deciding to divorce:

1) What is the value of saving the relationship?

When difficulties bring people to therapy, they are focused on wanting to get away from the problems that brought them in. It feels uncomfortable to embrace the problems and their partner; there may be tremendous anger, hurt and resentment. We help people focus on why they originally married the person and what has changed. We ask them to “make a case” for staying married.

2) How will your life look as a result of separating: emotionally, financially, with kids, with future relationships?

Sometimes individuals have not really thought through what their future would look like if they divorced. Questions to think about include, “How emotionally painful would it be for you and the kids? Where would you live? How would you feel being alone? What would happen to your children? How would it be to share custody? How would it feel when your ex has a new partner who is caring for your children? How will you relate to your partner’s family? What would your financial status be? What would it be like to start over looking for a relationship? How would you feel about having a blended family?” The consequences of divorce are endless.

3) Can you walk away feeling 99.9% confident the two of you tried everything you can to save the relationship?

It is vital when people make the decision to leave they are as sure as is humanly possible. The worst thing is to divorce and look back down the road thinking, “I wonder what would have happened if…” or “I didn’t realize how good I had it.”

We encourage people to think long and hard about ways they can make their relationship work, before thinking about ending it.

We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about deciding to stay or go on our Facebook page.

To your relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander

Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.