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Mars, Venus & Money: Down-to-Earth Advice for
Talking about Financial Matters with Your Partner

Lori W. Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD

When you talk about financial matters with your “significant other”
do you feel as if you are from different planets?

(The story about us you are about to read is true. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, because we are not! We deal with conflict just like every other couple....)

It was Saturday afternoon at the Hollanders and Bob came home from Barnes & Nobles with yet another bagful of history books...

Bob: “Honey, I’m home...”

Lori: “Bob, you bought more history books!!! I thought we agreed you were just going to browse and have a cup of coffee!!! You spend so much money on books. Have you even read all the other history books you have in the basement? Not to mention, we are running out of room on our bookshelves! (Bob begins to tune out. Lori continues...) Did you forget we are trying to pay our mortgage down? We have to put money away in our retirement accounts and the kids are going to college in a few years!!!

Bob: “You are always so critical of me. You know I love history and I make more money than you. You’re so tight with the pocketbook. Relax, the mortgage will get paid and the kids will go to college.”

Lori: “I take care of the bills. Why don’t you take them over? All the responsibility is on me!!” Bob goes to basement to read history book... Lori calls best friend to vent...

Does this sound familiar? This is one of the typical conflicts couples have about money. Research* has clearly shown that the #1 area of conflict for couples is money (That’s right, money, not sex) and the #1 cause of divorce is inability to resolve conflict!!

Why is money so difficult? In relationships we usually find two different financial personalities. One partner is more the Saver who, given the choice, would opt to put money in the bank. This person is more cautious and more aware of how much things cost. They save for a rainy day, pay off credit cards each month and are generally more anxious about finances.

The other partner is the Spender, who is more carefree and less worried about money. This partner assumes things will work out and they feel fine spending what they have and may treat credit as income. This partner is more daring.

In a healthy relationship the two personalities balance each other out. He’s thankful she’s good with money and admires her ability to use coupons, save and stretch the income. She knows without her husband she probably wouldn’t enjoy the finer things in life like vacations and nice jewelry. She helps him save and he helps her splurge.

In an unhealthy relationship, he gets angry she is so tight and resents her. She argues that they shouldn’t buy anything unless they have the cash. He secretly spends money without telling the other. (We call this financial infidelity.) The differences go unresolved.

To become financial partners on earth we have some advice from Mars & Venus (regardless of which planet the spender or saver is from in your relationship).

For Martians:

  • Listen respectfully to her point of view without interrupting, even if you don’t agree with her.
  • Let her know you care by giving her your full attention while she’s talking and then paraphrasing her point of view back to her. (Example – So Lori, you feel I’m spending too much money on books and you feel I’m not aware of our budget since you pay the bills.)

For Venusians:

  • Trust that his intention is to do what’s best for the relationship, even if you disagree with his point of view.
  • Let him explain his logic, accept him for who he is and then paraphrase his point of view back to him. (Example – So Bob you feel I am being critical of you and your love of history.)

For Both:

  • Explore what money represents to your partner. For some people, spending may be a way of nurturing one’s self. For others, saving may be a way of increasing feelings of security.
  • Understand your partner’s financial history. We all have different feelings and values surrounding money. The partner who grew up poor and struggled will have different values and feelings about money than the partner who was raised in a more affluent family.
  • Generate creative options without judging. If emotions escalate take a time out to cool off and come back to it later. Productive communication cannot occur if you are very angry.
  • Identify for you and your partner what solutions are: Ideal, Unacceptable, Could Live With.
    Come to consensus.
  • Have a trial period, evaluate results and refine the plan.
  • Lastly, call the experts! We coach couples on conflict resolution and communication skills.

In case you were wondering how we worked it: After Bob went to his cave and Lori vented, Bob agreed to read the books he already had before purchasing more and Lori acknowledged his love of history. And so, they lived happily ever after...until the next time.

*Howard Markman, Ph.D., University of Denver, Center for Marital and Family Studies
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