Relate 360° is the place to go when you want to dive deep into growing your partnership. Each month we'll focus on a single topic and explore it from every angle and via a multitude of media − on our web site, through our eZine Radical Relationships, on Facebook and more. Most importantly, we want you to participate in the discussion. Find out more about Relate 360°
Here's what we are exploring this month: Conscious Commitment - The Challenge of a Lifetime
Help Wanted: Commitment – only superheroes need apply
Job Description: Seeking mature individual. Responsible for health and well being of self and others; dedicated to hard work; devoted and loyal for life, despite future offers; team player; ability to identify, analyze and face obstacles to team welfare; knows how to manage and resolve conflict; willingness, at times, to sacrifice own needs for team; stamina to persevere and maintain quality of job performance despite years of hard labor, multiple organizational changes and transitions and a 50% success rate.
Hmm, I don't know about you but this doesn't sound like a job I would want. Daunting to say the least.
You might have guessed that this is the job description for a "Committed Lifetime Partner," and research shows that 85 percent of Americans will apply for this job (i.e. get married) at some point in their lives.
As I wrote this, I began to sweat realizing what a humongous and tough job this is. So why do 85 percent of Americans (not including committed couples that cohabitate) apply for and accept a job like this? Because it offers a great salary and fulfills our basic human need for connection! If you perform this job well, you may be generously paid with: a best friend; a lifetime companion with whom to share the wonders and hardships of life; a travel companion; someone to help with child and pet rearing, care of older parents, meal preparation, household chores and nursing care if you become ill. And to top it off: greatly improved health, much higher financial earnings and more sex than if you remained single.
What's so tough about this job that it's success rate is only 50%?
Commitment is much more difficult today than in past generations. Prior to the 1960s, life was very different: gender roles were far more differentiated, couples "needed" each other and getting married was the societal norm. The hard work needed to maintain commitment was the standard, or perhaps, performance expectations were lower. Either way, most people got married and stayed married, and the divorce rate was low. Men supported their families – no one ever heard of deadbeat dads. In the workplace, people often spent their entire career at one company (that never went bankrupt) and were rewarded with a lifetime pension. Loyalty and commitment were the standard. There was much less focus on the individual.
Beginning with the women's movement in the 1960's we stopped "needing" each other. There was much more focus on the individual, less differentiation of gender roles, an expansion of the definition of "family" and a dramatic decrease in reciprocal loyalty between companies and employees. Broader lifestyle and employment choices resulted in less conformity to outdated, narrow societal norms. Technological advances reinforced an expectation of working less to achieve desired goals. The new standard is "I" should get what "I" want immediately and without much effort and if "I" don't get it, "I" will move on. The focus is more on "me" than "us," the family or the company.
Though we still profess to desire a lifetime of love, faithfulness and devotion in marriage and relationships, our expectation is that the emotional and erotic love feelings should "just be there" forever without us having to do anything.
Honestly, we suspect that most partners missed the small print in the committed relationship job description that says, "To carry out your vows, you must routinely and consciously work on communication, nurture your emotional and sexual connection and learn to effectively face and resolve conflict."
How do we know this? Because statistics show that the average couple waits six years after problems begin to seek relationship coaching or counseling. Of course, by then a lot of damage has been done and one of the partners may have broken their vows, thinking the solution to their love-starved relationship is to find another person out there. In actuality, the better solution is to go back, read the full job description, do the work and proceed forward with patience, especially if you have kids.
The ultimate form of betrayal, infidelity, is one of the biggest reasons marriages don't succeed. It is estimated that 25 percent of wives and 44 percent of husbands will at some point have a physical affair. If you include emotional affairs or those without intercourse the statistics go up about 20 percent. Affairs wreak havoc on marriages and families by damaging trust, intimacy and breaking the vow, the promise, the commitment that was made.
So, here are our thoughts about commitment in relationships and marriage, what it is, and what it takes to "do" the job.
The Relational Trinity - Yours, mine and ours
We view the "Relationship" as a living, breathing entity formed when two individuals commit. It may be invisible to the naked eye, but the "Relationship" is palpable and goes with the couple everywhere they are together. And, in the most committed partnerships, the "Relationship" travels with each individual even when the couple is not physically together.
What is "the Relationship"?
We describe a marriage or couple Relationship as:
A sacred union where only two can exist. It is a place that breathes commitment in place of air. It is a curvy synergistic path where two begin a journey and pave a road never traveled before, where out from the darkness come two bright lights fused into one that shines upon a mutual vision. It is a place where both partners consciously choose to spend the rest of their lives; where both grow in awareness of self and other; where both know deeply that whatever affects one will inevitably affect the other; where the third entity, the relationship itself, is bigger than the two individuals; where in this universe, one plus one equals three.
It is a safe harbor where differences are neither bad nor good, but are interesting and there to be explored together, like two curious children; where problems are faced and solved in the interest of the whole; where synergy is more important than individual response.
It's a vulnerable place where our fear, our anger, our sadness is accepted and managed as two teams on the same side; where the goal is understanding and connection, respect and validation; where judgment is not for the purpose of condemning but for bolstering the other to share a new enlightenment. It is a road that accepts our worst selves, yet helps us find and maintain our best selves; where two hearts and minds draw more closely together in trust and in love.
Ultimately it is a place where, immersed in the particulars and difficulties of daily life, we are connected to another, to counter the isolation, loneliness and separateness that permeate our world.
What it takes to "do" the job of commitment in a Relationship
Here is what we believe it takes to commit to a Relationship – and live a committed relationship – like the one we described above:
Attitude – "My commitment to my partner is my highest priority, no matter what."
Time – Choosing to spend your most important and valuable resource on the Relationship.
Awareness – Being conscious and aware of the commitment as if your partner were beside you 24/7 and being conscious of the risks associated with breaking the commitment.
Sacrifice – Making your partner's needs primary some of the time.
Team work – Respectfully communicating, expressing your needs, listening to and validating your partner's needs and resolving conflict between you.
Forgiveness – Accepting your and your partner's mistakes, taking responsibility for your part, apologizing and giving and receiving absolution.
Hardiness – Courageously facing your difficult feelings and those of your partner by connecting on a deeply vulnerable level.
The New Vows
In the last several decades couples began writing their own vows, probably because the old ones were outdated. It is in this light that we offer our version of updated vows – the vows that, if honored, will allow you to successfully apply for and keep the job described at the beginning of this article. To not become one of the 50% who fail:
I, commit to you, to be your conscious mate, to build a strong and exclusive partnership by making our relationship my highest priority (even above my individual self), by devoting my time and energy to "us", by facing and resolving conflicts as a team, by being vulnerable and validating your vulnerabilities, by remembering that my every action will affect you and us, by having you in my heart at all times so as to not jeopardize my faithfulness, by owning my mistakes and forgiving yours, by persevering no matter what and by seeking outside assistance if we can't work it out ourselves. I commit to "do" the work.
What's to come in this month's Relate 360° discussion: We invite you to explore the challenging topic of conscious commitment with us – what it means and how to make a conscious commitment.
Here's how you can join us in exploring commitment:
Relationship Recharge − our weekly column with tips about communicating effectively.
To participate, subscribe to WomanTalk Live's eNewsletter.
TeleClass − our monthly live, discussion over the telephone about conscious commitment. Date: September 24 @ 8pm EST.
eCourse − our online eCourses are about to launch. Get ready to fast-forward your relationship with action-oriented support.
Facebook − join us on Facebook and participate in the discussion.
Twitter − follow us for more on the topic.