Relate 360° is the place to go when you want to dive deep into growing your partnership. Each month we'll focus on a single topic and explore it from every angle and via a multitude of media − on our web site, through our eZine Radical Relationships, on Facebook and more. Most importantly, we want you to participate in the discussion. Find out more about Relate 360°
Here's what we are exploring this month: Forget, Fight or Forgive? Choosing the Path of Courage
Why is it that the people we love the most are so often the ones we hurt?
Being kind to people we are not intricately involved with doesn't take much effort. We put on our game face, stay close to the surface and show the best part of ourselves for a short time. And if the "other" is judgmental or hurtful, we can just walk away.
Our love relationships are quite a different story. Deeply sharing our whole selves, and being intimately connected day in and day out for a lifetime, leaves us vulnerable to the thoughts, feelings, judgments and actions of our partner; hence a greater opportunity to be hurt. Inevitably, every loving relationship will endure its share of pain and hurt over years of living and loving together. Pleasure and pain – it's a package deal.
What's more, we bring to our love relationship, our "baggage," our unique history of love and angst experienced in our families of origin. These primary experiences, which occur in our most vulnerable state as children, shape our perceptions of others, our particular sensitivities and painful triggers, along with our ability to cope with hurt.
Our partner unknowingly becomes the image of one who will heal all that, the one who will love us unconditionally, make us secure and protect us from being hurt; and is thus linked to our deep and unconscious baggage. When he inevitably wounds us, we experience feelings of rejection, betrayal, anger, hurt and sadness – and those feelings are heightened by the unconscious pain from our history. Uncertainty and doubt are cast upon the relationship's foundation of trust.
What are our choices when we feel emotionally wounded?
- Forget It – leave or withdraw, physically or emotionally
- Fight It - battle, get stuck in anger and hostility
- Forgive It – find ways to heal and let go
From a place of emotional pain, it's easy to see why choosing to "Forgive It" is the path of courage. The questions we hear in our practice when people are deciding whether to forget it, fight it or forgive it are further evidence of the underlying courage it takes to choose forgiveness:
1) If I forgive, does that mean I am letting him off the hook?
The answer lies in the definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean: condoning, minimizing, justifying, excusing, pardoning or forgetting the actions or words that hurt you.
Forgiveness is: the process of letting go of our feelings of anger, hostility and revenge that keep us from feeling centered and at peace. Forgiveness is for you, not for the other. In the last analysis, "forgiveness" is the epitome of enlightened self-interest; it is a wise and pragmatic practice that sets us free.
2) I'm so hurt by his actions, why should I forgive?
Studies consistently show that there are psychological and physiological benefits to forgiving. When people forgive they:
- Are happier and have a greater sense of well-being, physically, emotionally and spiritually
- Feel more in control of their lives and feel less like a victim
- Have healthier, happier and more intimate relationships, marriages and friendships
- Physiologically have lower blood pressure and heart rate, lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse, less depression, stress and anxiety and reduced chronic pain
- Are better at managing anger and facing conflict assertively
Conversely, studies also show that there is a price to pay for holding onto resentment, anger and bitterness including:
- Being consumed by feelings of unhappiness and depression
- Having long-term health problems such as substance abuse and chronic pain
- Having difficulty trusting, resolving conflict and getting close in relationships
Not forgiving doesn't hurt the other person, it hurts you. One of our favorite sayings is, "Holding onto anger is like you swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die." Or, as a Chinese proverb puts it: "If you are going to pursue revenge, you might as well dig two graves."
3) How do I forgive?
Forgiving someone who has hurt you is not easy. But it can be the key to the peaceful and less emotionally complicated life you have been searching for. It is a process that takes time, hard work and courage, but when you take responsibility for healing your wound, you take back your power. And it can deepen the connection between you and your partner as you embrace the hurt and heal the pain together.
The bottom line: Practicing forgiveness can transform your life.
The Path to Forgiveness
Here are the steps we recommend for practicing forgiveness in your relationship:
- Feel the Feelings - Allow your genuine feelings of anger, hurt, sadness and fear to come up. Acknowledge them, vent, journal about them and soothe them.
- Move from Feeling to Thinking - Transition from your emotional state to a more rational state; remember that obsessively focusing on the injury creates more suffering; think about what happened and search for understanding.
- Talk with your Partner - Share your genuine feelings and thoughts with your partner and ask the questions you need to move forward.
- Listen to your Partner - Look at your partner's perspective by putting yours aside and trying to see their point of view. Search for the understandable part and have compassion for your partner by seeing their pain, despite the fact that they may have brought this upon themselves.
- Receive their Apologies – Allow your partner to express their genuine remorse and receive it. If you fear that accepting an apology will make your partner mistakenly think that healing is complete, discuss this fear.
- Ask for Restitution – Let your partner know what restitution you need to re-connect.
- Avoid Labels - Be careful not to label your partner or define him as "his mistake." His hurtful act does not portray his whole being. Characterizing him as evil is more about your need for revenge and will block your efforts at forgiveness.
"When you label me, you negate me." – Soren Kierkegaard - Look Inward – Ask yourself what part you played, if any, that contributed to the state of affairs in the relationship. Talk with your partner about this and own your part.
- Help Yourself – Do what will help you heal - heart, mind, body and soul (e.g. hugs, changing negative thoughts, relaxation techniques, prayer or meditation)
- Find Meaning – Is there any purpose or meaning you can find from this painful experience? Can you use this to help others or make your life better
- Be Patient – The process of forgiveness takes time and practice. Be kind and patient with yourself and your partner.
Where the Path to Forgiveness Goes
As you practice forgiveness, you practice love. And not just love for your partner, but self-love and universal love. It's that big. For forgiveness is the path where everything true, real and meaningful comes together – for couples, for communities, for countries. It is the path to peace.
"Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there." – Rumi
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What's to come in this month's Relate 360° discussion:We invite you to explore the challenging topic of forgiveness with us – what it means and how to forgive.
Here's how you can join us in exploring forgiveness:
Relationship Recharge − our weekly column with tips about communicating effectively.
To participate, subscribe to WomanTalk Live's eNewsletter.
TeleClass − our monthly live discussion about the month's topic - over the telephone. Typically, the last Thursday of the month from 8-9pm EST.
eCourse − our online eCourses fast-forward your relationship with action-oriented support.
Facebook − join us on Facebook and participate in the discussion.
Twitter − follow us for more on the topic.