Relate 360° - Explore Your Relationship One Topic at a Time
Relate 360° is the place to go when you want to dive deep into growing your partnership. Each month we'll focus on a single topic and explore it from every angle and via a multitude of media - on our web site, through our eZine Radical Relationships, on Facebook and more. Most importantly, we want you to participate in the discussion. Find out more about Relate 360°
Here's what we are exploring this month:
Advanced Dating
Advanced Dating: What every single person should know about finding love,
falling in love and staying sane
“I keep dating losers – why can’t I choose Mr. Right? When my girlfriend
met her (now) husband she ‘just knew’ he was her soul mate.”
Have you ever wondered how other people choose Mr. or Mrs.
Right? Are you tired of having relationships that go nowhere? Ever think
you've met Mr. or Mrs. Right, only to find out he/she was Mr. or Mrs. Wrong?
Do you blame yourself, thinking what’s wrong with me?
This month we
will shed some light on this issue and teach you how to find a healthy
partner, fall in love and keep your sanity.
In the Beginning
Joan: “There he is. Isn’t he gorgeous? I have seen him here several
times before; I just need the courage to say hello.”
Alicia:
“Go for it.”
We have all experienced it – that moment when we see someone we are
really attracted to; the butterflies in stomach, hands cold and clammy,
heart pounding loudly. It’s extreme bliss.
The First Date
He’s coming to pick you up in 10 minutes; you’re not quite ready.
Joan (thinking): “How does my hair look? Should I
brush my teeth one more time? I hope he likes me.”
On the Date
Joan (thinking): “I am so attracted to him. When he put his arm around my shoulders I almost melted. There go those butterflies again. This is heaven. And we have so much in common.”
Back at her house
Joan: “Would you like to come in for a drink?”
“Sure,” he said.
Three drinks later, he started kissing her
on the neck. The adrenaline rush was like nothing she’d ever
felt before. Yup, they did it. Hook up with a capital H.
The Next Day
Joan: “I’ve never done that before, you know, have sex
on the first date, but I felt a real connection with you.”
“Me too – it was a great night. I’ll call you.”
The Next Week
Joan to Alicia: “I can’t believe he hasn’t called me. What a jerk. I should’ve known. I truly thought we had a great connection.”
The Trilogy in Attraction: Head, Heart and Hormones
To find and choose a healthy partner, the three parts of
attraction - Head, Heart and Hormones - need to be in balance.
In reality, you can’t separate the three facets; they are
integrally connected in ways we may never begin to understand.
However, to explore and understand how we operate, we will talk
about them as independent entities.
Head refers to the
cognitive, logical and analytical part of us that collects
facts, observes, stores and analyzes them, ultimately creating
hypotheses about their meaning. After enough data is received,
conclusions are drawn.
Heart is the emotional bridge
that feels and connects two people through listening, sharing,
understanding and empathizing with each other. It involves being
vulnerable and peeling away the fears of being judged or
criticized, telling deep and personal secrets not shared with
everyone and taking risks. It is the path to emotional intimacy.
Hormones denote the body’s neuro-chemical response triggered
when we feel an attraction. A chain of physical events begins,
resulting in feelings of love and sexual desire. First comes our
sense of smell; pheromones enter the brain though the olfactory
system. Next, visual, olfactory, auditory and tactile cues kick
in launching the production of brain peptides, vasopressin and
oxytocin, which have been shown to be involved with bonding.
This physiological reaction may feel like true love, but chances
are, in the beginning, it is not.
Joan was swept away by
Heart and Hormones, but left her Head behind. If she had kept
them in check and had greater awareness of what her date did and
said, she might have picked up clues about her date’s nature and
may not have had sex with him. With greater awareness of
balancing the trilogy, Head, Heart and Hormones, she might not
have allowed her hormonal attraction to hijack her Head.
Hormones Leave the Gate First and Take the Lead
In the first few seconds after meeting someone new, you either
feel an attraction or not. Hormones are off and lead the pack;
physical attraction is the first thing you notice when you meet
a potential partner. If you don’t feel it, it’s possible, but
unlikely, you will feel it later. We can’t “will” ourselves to
feel a certain way. Remember the times you dated and “tried” to
be attracted to the “nice guys,” who, of course, never happened
to be as good-looking as the “bad boys?”
However, using
Hormones to select a mate (instead of waiting until the Head and
Heart kick in), can be a disaster.
Heart Trails and Comes in a Close Second
When we meet an attractive potential partner and our hormones kick in, we tend to idealize the person, overlooking behaviors and qualities that we don’t want to see. “Looking through rose colored glasses” hinders us from making an objective assessment about whether or not this is someone with whom we truly want to become intimate.
Head Falls Way Back and Takes Third Place
With Hormones and Heart operating at full speed, the Head usually falls behind. We develop feelings of desire and love before we assess whether this person is a healthy match for us. It is the powerful chemically induced feelings, we identify as “being in love.”
With attention and care, the fragile bond of emotional and erotic love, "Supreme Love," will become stronger and deeper. This is the forever love that will last a lifetime.
A Saner Way to Find and Fall in Love
Finding and keeping true love that will last takes time. It takes patience and an awareness of the Head, Heart and Hormones trilogy. If you consciously choose to allow your Head to reign in the other too, you are much more likely to make a better choice.
So how can you do this?
“The List.” You know, the list where women
write down all the qualities they are looking in a mate. The List is
actually a cognitive way of trying to find the right partner. But most
of the time it doesn’t work. It is too logical. You may prematurely
rule out a potential partner for not having one of your requirements
without seeing the whole picture. Lori had a list years ago and one of
the requirements was that she would never marry another therapist.
Thank goodness that list went out the window when she met Bob.
A better way: When you meet someone and
after each date or interaction, use your Head to write down what you
are learning about this person. Observe the details and collect the
facts. Don’t jump to conclusions, but watch over time to see what
patterns develop. Draw hypotheses from these facts and test them out.
Does he listen deeply with empathy? Does he talk mostly about
himself? Does he listen to others around him?
If he shows up a
half hour late, was he thoughtful enough to call you? If not, did he
apologize for being late? Is he respectful in other ways?
Does
he attend to your needs? Does he pick up on things you say and
demonstrate his caring? Does he compliment you? Does he do the little
things?
Only after you collect enough data will you be able to
come to a realistic picture about who this person is.
Walt
Disney ended all of his movies with, “And they lived happily ever
after …” We take this literally, but most don’t notice the ellipsis,
the three dots at the end: This ellipsis means “we would like to
hope.”
Remember, when you are looking for a partner, enjoy the
Heart and Hormones, but always lead with your Head.
You can
visit Disneyworld, but you can’t live there.
Let Lori and Bob support you in growing your relationship every single month. As a member of the TeleTopic of the Month Club, you’ll receive a new audio download of our current monthly TeleClass for one year, to listen to at your convenience, for a discounted fee.
Purchased separately, audio downloads are $18 each. TeleTopic of the Month Club members pay just $12 per month via a one time annual payment.
If you enjoy reading our Radical Relationships articles, you’re going to love hearing Lori and Bob live as they offer their insights, perspectives and guide you deep into the topics, concepts and skills that will support you in taking your relationship to extraordinary.
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