Relate 360° - Explore Your Relationship One Topic at a Time
Relate 360° is the place to go when you want to dive deep into growing your partnership. Each month we'll focus on a single topic and explore it from every angle and via a multitude of media - on our web site, through our eZine Radical Relationships, on Facebook and more. Most importantly, we want you to participate in the discussion. Find out more about Relate 360°
Here's what we are exploring this month:
Advanced Dating
Advanced Dating: From Blast-Off to Hitched - The Highway to Commitment
Last month our Advanced Dating topic focused on how to find and consciously choose "Mr./Mrs. Right," as opposed to just "falling" in love. We looked at balancing the Relationship Trilogy - Head, Heart and Hormones - in order to raise awareness that Heart and Hormones need to be kept in check by your Head as you decide who you choose to pursue a relationship with. We also shared our Feeling List, a tool designed to keep your Heart alert as you set off on this path.
So, this month, we want to focus on what comes after you find a desirable potential partner.
Becoming more deeply involved with your potential "Mr./Mrs. Right" takes you on a journey down "Relationship Highway" - which, of course, is the road to getting hitched. This road is your chance to determine whether your potential partner is the person you want to be your life companion, and, if applicable, parent to your children.
Understanding how to navigate "Relationship Highway" and all the stops along the way will prepare you for what lies ahead, keep you from veering off the road and from falling asleep at the wheel.
There are five stops on "Relationship Highway": Heaven, Re-Entry, Earth School, Graduation and Commitment.
Heaven
Ah, Heaven, the first stop on Relationship Highway. And, of course, it's a stop flooded by Hormones.
You meet; sparks fly; the feelings of erotic attraction are potent and intense. Romance, affection and passion are the hallmarks of the blast-off to Heaven. You gaze into each other's eyes, idealizing each other and each believing that the other is going to fulfill all of your wants, needs and desires for the rest of your life. You focus on all you have in common and minimize your differences.
There is no thought about putting forth effort here; your powerful biologically based feelings automatically propel you as you speed down this part of Relationship Highway. The reason our brains are wired this way is so that our species would survive. However, Heaven is not the best stop for making the best choice about a lifetime partner.
Heart-wise, some of us may mistake these strong feelings for "love." When you pull over in Heaven, it's important to use your Head to sort through the powerful feelings and emotions, and not rush too quickly into a relationship that is too new and fragile to support "dream-like" expectations.
Re-Entry
"Mission control-we are coming in for a landing."
Heaven can't last forever. At some point, your new and highly charged relationship comes back to earth. It may be that he disappoints you or she criticizes something you do; it may be your first conflict. The best hope is that you come in for a soft landing at the second stop on Relationship Highway - Re-Entry.
At Re-Entry, reality sets in. You begin to see your differences more clearly. You may feel anxious and start to experience some doubts about whether your potential partner is truly "the one" for you. Here, the Head is in control, the Heart is uncertain and the Hormones have calmed down - though affection and passion may still run high.
This is where the true work of the relationship begins. You will need to use your communication skills to address differences, express what you need and listen to what your partner needs. The Head helps you assess if this really is a true and healthy partnership.
Earth School
The third stop on the highway is at the Earth School. Here, you learn and practice communicating. The courses most important in Earth School are "Dealing with Conflict," "Joint Decision Making" and "Authentic Communication" - and your homework is pretty tough. You and your partner must embrace and face your differences; take them on, acknowledge them and establish a way to work as a team. In the process of doing this, Heads and Hearts become more connected.
Head thinks about the relationship. There may be struggles for power and control as patterns of decision making and managing conflict begin to develop as a couple. Anxiety and fear about the future of the relationship may arise. Especially if it is difficult to resolve conflict or get your partner to understand what you think, feel and desire. This is a bumpy part of Relationship Highway. Your vehicle may even break down and you think about ending the relationship. You question who your partner is as opposed to the romantic image you previously had of him/her.
Again, the work of this stage is negotiating differences and seeing if you can accept the other person with all their warts. If you don't learn and practice healthy communication and conflict resolution skills, the relationship may end here. If you are able to face and embrace the difficult challenges at this stop, the relationship will solidify.
Graduation
Once you have made it through Earth School, you come to the Graduation stop. You are now exclusively committed to this relationship. Hormones and Heart still work, though sex may not be as frequent as it once was. The relationship becomes more serious and more authentic.
You have become deeply emotionally and sexually intimate with your partner and have learned a way to work through your issues. Sharing vulnerabilities and secret parts of yourselves connects you even more. You become involved with each other's families and friends and identify yourselves as a couple.
The Head realizes that his/her partner is not perfect, but is perfect for him/her. There is a willingness and commitment to "work" on the relationship together and weather the storms.
Commitment
At the Commitment stop, Head, Heart and Hormones have all connected and you feel very strongly bonded with each other. You experience a boundary around the relationship as a couple and identify yourself as part of this relationship, while still maintaining your own sense of identity. Commitment is where you decide to get engaged.
In this stage, you work through how you will put your lives together and decide to get married. The most important work is to communicate about your future, your expectations, where and how you want to live, how you picture your life together, career goals, your philosophies about spending and saving money, dealing with holidays and families and on and on.
Head, heart and hormones have blended into a balanced dynamic.
Though this is the last stop on Relationship Highway, it is the beginning of another journey, and the Alien Invasion (if you choose to have children).
We will save that for another article.
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