September 9, 2009: The Road to Real Commitment is Paved with Conflict
The degree to which you and your partner take on and resolve conflict is the degree to which the commitment to the “Relationship” is strong.
When couples begin counseling and proudly state they haven’t had an argument in years, we get concerned – either one or both are avoiding conflict or someone is not speaking up.
Resolving the inevitable conflicts in a relationship is the #1 skill that will maintain a couple’s commitment to each other. Facing and working through the often intense and emotional feelings together means you are: engaged in the relationship, expressing your individual needs and working as a team to meet the Relationship’s needs.
When couples allow differences to distance and separate them, getting stuck in their individual anger, blame and victimization, the Relationship is temporarily abandoned. Each retreats to lick their personal wounds. If they don’t return to the Relationship (and the resolution process) because they are avoiding the conflict, or continue to battle without resolution, the commitment will become one that is shallow and weak, and will not run deep.
It is vital to build commitment by learning how to work together with conflict. Here are some ways to do that:
- Remember that under all anger is hurt, pain and fear. Start the conversation by asking your partner what she is hurt about and what she is afraid of. Then you share the same. This taps into your vulnerable selves and re-engages you in the Relationship, which is where you need to be to come together.
- One at a time, express your thoughts and feelings about the issue without the other interrupting or invalidating each other’s position.
- Be curious about aspects of your partner’s position that you don’t agree with in a non-judgmental way. “Help me understand...”
- If your emotions are intense and getting in the way, ask yourself:
- If I feel criticized or attacked, do I truly believe the criticism?
- If I don’t, why am I beating myself up?
- If I do, where have I felt this before as a child?
(Your painful history or “baggage” from childhood, may be arising and creating a more intense reaction than the present situation deserves.)
- Take responsibility for your feelings, your thoughts and your needs.
- Acknowledge your part in creating the conflict.
- Once you understand your part and your partner’s part (to the point that you could “make their case”), then the two of you will be able to come to resolution and problem solve.
Getting emotionally naked by sharing your vulnerabilities together in the face of conflict, will lead to a vibrant and fuller commitment.