September 2, 2009: Are You Being Emotionally Hijacked?
Andrea: Every time we try to communicate about his affair, I feel so angry that the conversation escalates into a fight and we get no where.
Randy: When she starts yelling at me, I feel so bad about how I’ve hurt her, I get defensive and start to attack back. But I’m really not angry at her, I am angry at myself.
One of the most common roadblocks to effective communication is the expression of our very intense feelings. When one or both partners have a high degree of emotion, the strong feelings need to be expressed constructively, in a way that the other can hear. It is difficult to express extreme pain, as in the case of a couple trying to heal after an affair, and communicate in a centered way. We get “emotionally hijacked” by our feelings.
Underlying this, is our physiological “fight or flight” (stress) response, the body’s alarm system that kicks in when we perceive danger. In this heightened state of arousal, the stress hormone cortisol is secreted by our adrenal glands; our heart rate and blood pressure increase as we prepare to meet the threat.
A flood of emotions consume us and inhibit our cognitive functioning by impairing the prefrontal lobe of the brain, which controls our judgment and ability to reason. This explains why we say things we don’t mean in anger or feel like we’ve “lost it.” Our rational thinking is impaired when we are in a stress state.
This certainly doesn’t excuse us from losing control. However, understanding how we get hijacked and preparing for conflict ahead of time, can help us prevent this emotional takeover and contain or calm our feelings. We can strengthen our cognitive functioning and learn ways to soothe or calm the stress response in an effort to tame our physiological responses before we engage in difficult discussion.
Here are some ideas that will build your emotional muscles:
- You and your partner agree that during the next conflict, you will consciously bite your respective tongues and speak calmly.
- If either partner thinks the conflict is getting heated, call a timeout and separate until you can both return to continue in a calm state.
- If your partner is getting intense, disengaging by talking in a very low voice or softly – or walking away – sends the message that you will not continue the conversation until the feelings are calmed down.
- Take responsibility for your own emotions and learn the best ways to soothe yourself (i.e. deep breathing, relaxation techniques).