Ladies, what happened the last time you had lunch with a girlfriend? Most likely you “connected” - venting your frustrations, worries and complaints about life. Then your friend did the same. When lunch was over, nothing changed but you both walked away with a sense of peace and a feeling that you were not alone in the world.
Now men, what happened the last time you went out with the guys? Chances are it was for a business meeting to plan the latest reorganization or to watch a sports game and talk about the stats. You didn’t need to connect deeply. Just being together was enough.
Generally speaking, we can’t deny the communication differences between men and women. Men communicate to solve problems, convey information, fix something or accomplish a task. Women communicate for these reasons, but primarily use communication to create personal connection, establish rapport and build trust. So for him communication is task-oriented; for her it is relationship-oriented.
When these communication differences bump up against each other, frustration abounds:
Elise (venting): Stephen, it’s been such a long day. The baby was cranky and it’s sort of lonely with no adults around. I really miss work. Being a full-time mom isn’t easy.
Stephen (fixing): Why don’t you just go back to work?
Elise: I don’t want to go back to work! {Why can’t he just listen?}
Stephen: Then why are you complaining? {What does she want from me?}
So what can Elise do? Give Stephen a job description by telling him what she needs when she communicates.
Elise: Stephen, I’m not looking for you to fix it; I really need you to “just listen” and give me a hug.
Ladies, next time your communication doesn’t evoke the response you desire, let your partner know what his job is or men, ask your partner what she needs!