August 5, 2009: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Communication is like breathing. We do it all day long without much conscious effort or thought; when times are good and we are healthy we take it for granted; it’s usually not until it breaks down that we begin to pay more attention to it. Until then, we don’t realize how complicated communication is.
Here’s how the process of communication works:
1. The speaker has an idea that she wants to communicate.
2. She encodes the words in her head that she thinks will express her idea.
3. Her choice of words is influenced by her filters (i.e. her gender, age, life experience, culture, view of the world).
4. She then speaks the words using a certain volume, pitch and speed that transmits her underlying feeling about the message.
5. Barriers like noise, interruptions and distractions affect the message.
6. The listener hears her words and voice through the barriers.
7. The listener decodes the message as it passes through his filters and he interprets what he thinks is the meaning of the message.
With all this, it’s a wonder that we communicate as well as we do! Communicating effectively is a very complex process during which there is plenty of opportunity for distortion and misinterpretation. That’s why it’s so important to speak clearly and be an attentive listener.
To communicate effectively in your relationship:
- Give your partner your full attention – turn off the TV.
- Let your partner know you are listening by facing each other and making eye contact.
- Clarify the message by paraphrasing back to your partner what you heard (e.g. “So, you are saying...”).
- Don’t make assumptions – ask questions.
- Take your time and be patient.
One last word: Studies have shown that interpretation of language is based 7% on the words used, 38% on intonation and 55% on body language.
In this time of email, texting, facebook and twitter (which depend solely on sending and receiving words alone), there is a much greater chance for misunderstanding. These methods work fine for communicating factual information, but not so well otherwise.