July 29, 2009: Does Your Relationship with Money Affect Your Marriage?
Mike’s habit of saving created a nice nest egg for his future. His disciplined spending habits stemmed from his worry about money, having watched his dad struggle after the family business went bankrupt.
Kathy grew up in a financially secure, but emotionally inadequate family. Her parents’ material expressions of love and their lack of affection left Kathy feeling deprived and lonely. Compulsive shopping became her therapy.
When Mike and Kathy fell in love and married the future looked rosy – Mike cared for Kathy emotionally and Kathy gave him the stable family he desired. Then the recession hit - Mike’s financial anxiety spiked and he began to watch every penny they spent as their bank account dwindled.
Mike took a second job and more often than not came home tired and preoccupied with worry about their finances. As a result, Kathy felt lonely and her feelings led her to the mall. When Mike saw the $8000 credit card bill that month, he was so angry he cancelled their cards, transferred their joint money into a solo bank account and told her she would have to ask him for money.
Emotional distance grew as Mike became increasingly tight and Kathy felt controlled and unloved. She blamed him for having a depression mentality. He blamed her for excessive shopping.
Each of these partners has what we call a Money Disorder – a self-destructive behavior related to finances, not as extreme as pathological gambling or kleptomania, but severe enough to significantly interfere with their relationship. Kathy was an over spender who used money in an attempt to fill the emotional void she experienced. Mike was an under spender who saw money as a security blanket, becoming controlling and rigid when he felt anxious.
Other Money Disorders include:
- Serial borrowing
- Continual borrowing that leads to excessive debt
- Financial Infidelity – Lying to your partner about spending and finances
- Workaholism – Being addicted to work to amass wealth
- Financial Incest – Giving money to relatives to control them
- Financial Enabling – Financial support of another that makes the enabled person dependent and unmotivated to support themselves
- Hoarding – Compulsively storing large amounts of money
Unrecognized Money Disorders can wreck havoc on a relationship. If you recognize yourself or your partner in the list above, ask yourself if it is significantly interfering with your relationship. If yes:
1. Take a hard look at the behavior.
2. Think about the origins of this behavior to gain insight.
3. Have a frank discussion with your partner about what you see, how it affects the relationship and what you can do about it.
4. Get outside help if needed.