June 17, 2009: The Naked Truth about the "Fear of Intimacy"
If intimacy is all it’s cracked up to be than why is there so much fear surrounding it? You know – the guy with commitment phobia, the woman who always seems to fall for the man who is unavailable; and the partner in a relationship that just can’t seem to open up emotionally or sexually.
Allowing yourself to be truly intimate with another means being naked emotionally and physically before him – it requires being exposed, vulnerable and scared; trusting that he will handle your heart, mind, body and soul with care. It means taking the risk of being hurt and disappointed, of feeling deeply rejected, of being controlled or lost in the other person.
Often in our work with couples, partners desire to work on their relationship but don’t want to risk being hurt. It takes a brave soul to really be intimate. The cost of opening our hearts to another is the “knowing” that we could lose him. However, there is a much greater price to pay for skimming the surface: missing out on the greatest human experience - connection and love.
The degree to which you can tolerate the “fear of intimacy” is the degree to which you will be able to feel the greatest joy and connection with your partner.
So if you find yourself avoiding closeness, withholding your genuine self, not being affectionate or sexual with your partner, take notice. Ask yourself what the fear is about. Here are some things you can do:
• Take a hard, objective look at yourself and recognize the barriers you put up.
• Figure out what causes you to hold back; ask yourself what you can do about it.
• Talk with your partner about the fear and your desire to be more intimate. Let your partner know how he can help you and what would make you feel safe.
• Make a conscious choice to open up in small steps, embrace the discomfort and take a chance.
• Seek the help of a counselor, if you can’t go it alone.
Make a habit of being intimate. Get naked in front of your partner often and feel the closeness. The reward will be well worth it!